Edward Cullen and the Real Girl!
by K.Henderson
Summary: The story began with Kaye falling into Twilight and beating comical sense in Edward. It has become so much more. Remix, Track 1 is up!
1. Bothered Bewiched bewildered and naked!

**Karin:** Now, in the spirit of good fun (and well, I'm pretty leaked out for drama for this story...I'm working on it) I've decided to do a parody shot like...A What If filler chapter that while not canon with the story is designed to get you all laughing you asses off.

We all know Kaye Winchester is a bit of a vulgar, boyish, angry mean spirited pessimistic loner (wow that was mean) but she's coming out of her shell since meeting Harry and the Potter Gang (You like that?)

Anyway, I was talking to a heavily pregnant **_LovingTheOgre_** about the story. The conversation went a little like this:

**LTO**: What do you think would have happened to Kaye if she would have fallen into another story?

**ME**: I dunno.

**LTO**: What if it would have been...?

**ME**: _*after a five minute silence cackling ensues*_ Edo bash?

**LTO**: Sparkle bash?

That's the way it went and now I give you the Parody What If chapter titled:

**_Edward Cullen_ and the Real Girl.**

* * *

-

I hated wet places almost as much as I hated the cold and while everyone squirmed their way inside the small high school I could only sigh as upon entering I was accosted by smiling faces and questioning voices filled with curiosity and unfathomable undeserved love and praise.

"Hey you're the new girl!"

"Yeah."

"What class do you have?"

"Biology."

"Where are you from?"

"Orlando Florida."

"OmG, you're like so short!"

"...Bite me..."

"I like Oranges!"

"_Who _cares?"

"Hey Katarina, sit with me at lunch okay?"

"It's Kaye, not Katarina just Kaye!"

"Okay, _Just _Kaye. Sit with me at lunch. The names Mike by the way, Mike Newton."

"...I don't care..."

"See you later."

I scurried to the appointed direction of my new biology class feeling completely nervous. What would I encounter upon entering that classroom? This book world was strange, odd and completely unrealistic. The new kid isn't supposed to be welcomed in the ways of a 'New Comer" to James Town back in the day before the Kool-Aid incident (oh that was in bad taste Kaye...)

A new kid was supposed to be scrutinized, sized up and dealt with in the way of a nuclear bomb. Whoever wrote this particular book that I unfortunately fell into had to seriously be of the optimistic "Peace and Equality" sort of bend, not that there was anything wrong with writing about acceptance and love but this was a book. This was a high school book, at that, for Young Adults. You have to be semi realistic.

The door's opened, the kids behind push me towards the opened door. Apparently I had been dawdling. The teacher's got this look on his face that just screams _'not another one' _and I find myself relaxing. Apparently not everyone here is some deranged happy clone.

"You'd be the new girl then?" He takes a seat his hand is held out to take my slip. "I'm Mr. Banner."

"Hello sir. I'm Kaye Winchester." I introduce myself. He just shrugs, points to an empty table by the window towards the middle area of the room and hands me a book.

No nonsense kind of guy. I like him.

I take my seat, having ignored the whispering about me, the new girl. I take the seat closest to the window and set my bag on the empty chair next to me. I want a smoke. I think I might just need one after so much happy dancing in the air. I've never seen so many happy people. It's disgusting.

"Maybe they're deranged?" I ask myself, someone's whispering my name behind me trying to get my attention, the Newton kid probably. "What do you want, puppy?"

"Puppy?" He asks voice dripping of incredulity before he laughs. I don't feel like turning around to look at him, his blond spiky hair is blinding anyway. He reminds me of a stereotypical late 90's boy band member. "Anyway, Kaye, I was thinking that since you're new and all you might want to hang out after school? You probably don't know the area at all and I can show you some cool places."

"Not interested, but thanks. I want to settle in before I start hanging out and besides, I like doing the independent thing. It's a small town. I can figure it out on my own." I automatically feel bad though. He is nice. So I turn around and sport my best fake smile, the kind that always makes guys go _'aw how cute'_. "But maybe we can see a movie or something next weekend? How 'bout it?"

"S-sure!" He's the color of a tomato. I guess he doesn't often get girls asking him out...which I was not. Not really. I just felt bad for telling him no off the bat.

I might not even been in this place next week.

I turn back around after giving puppy a pat on his spiky blond head and continue to rest my chin of the palm of my hand. My elbows gonna go numb if I keep resting it on the table.

"Excuse me, that is my seat." A pleasant voice asks from my side, the kind of voice that oozes sex appeal. I automatically think of James Bond for some reason or maybe that one actor from the Goblet of Fire Robert Paterson or some shit like that.

"Then sit in the seat next to this one." I remove my bag from the empty chair next to me without looking up. I'm thinking about pancakes now for some reason.

"But that's my seat." His voice sounds a little more aggressive and there is a collective wave of whispers and awe. This guy must be what one calls the **OMGAWSH he's so fecking Hott!!!!111** of any high school. Even in this weird Stepford Wives novel knock off there are still assholes who probably think they're better then everyone when obviously they aren't.

"Well tough cookies Sally, looks like you're just gonna have to sit right there in that empty seat." I look out the window.

"The seats are assigned. That is where I was put to sit. If you would be so kind as to move..." This guy's annoying and by the tone of his voice, which almost squeaks, it sounds like no one has ever said **no **to him. I'm glad, I'll be his first.

"Look I'm new, I'm tired and I really don't feel like being here. I sure as hell do not want to have a conversation with some stranger about assigned seats I didn't even know about. Now, if you'd be_ ever so kind_ as to shut the hell up and sit your royal ass down, I can continue to ignore everything around me including you."

Whispers are becoming louder, someone shrieked I think. I'm not sure but looking at up I can swear that Mr. Banner is trying not to laugh.

"You're _very _rude."

"And you've annoyed me before being properly introduced." I finally turn to look at him: pale white skin, bronze colored eyes that are really unnatural and thick brown hair with reddish highlights. He had the perfect bone structure and he's crookedly smiling. I think I can hear the collective sighs from all of the girls right now...wait all the girls and three of the boys...He's gorgeous.

I hate him.

He tips his head, nodding a hello but stops half way. His eyes are on mine and look like fire like I've smacked him clear across the face. He looks to the front of the room, the other new girl. Pretty pale, Isa-_something_ or another.

"Hey doll face you think you can drag another chair this way so that the other new girl can sit between us?"

He does as told although robotically. The way he looked at her made me uneasy.

"Mr. Banner can she sit here please?"

He would have probably said no on any other circumstance but, like everyone, he had seen the Bronze Eyed Wonder and I mix words. He nodded, pointed to me and the girl made her way over. She looked just as annoyed and bewildered as I had.

"Hey take the seat at the window. The guy that was sitting here is a total freak." I whisper and she takes the seat with a low, 'thanks'.

"So, you get the barrage of happy go lucky bull shit today to?" I ask her and it takes a moment for my comment to hit her.

She just stares for a second and then laughs nodding. I usually have that effect on new people who aren't used to my brand of vulgarity.

"Yeah. It was a little weird. I've never been looked at like this before."

"You're telling me. I was half expecting to get dry humped as a hello after being in this joint for ten minutes." I reach a hand towards her to shake. "The names Katarina Merope Winchester but just call me Kaye."

"Isabella Marie Swan, call me Bella." She shakes my hand.

She has to think I'm weird I mean, who else uses their entire name in an introduction?

"Bella? Like beautiful in Italian?"

"Yeah." She said a little embarrassed, a cute flush stains her pale cheeks and she almost hides herself behind a curtain of brown hair. "I didn't choose the nickname because of the beautiful part. It's just better then using my whole name."

"No it's cool. I totally get it. My nick name has a meaning to."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yep. Kaye, which can also be spelled K-E-I- means like, fire or something in Japanese. My brother looked it up." I grin. "You don't have to be embarrassed it isn't like I thought you were conceited or anything anyway."

She nodded. It occurred to me right away that maybe...she was supposed to meet the pale guy who was now sitting next to me, considering that if not for my being here she'd be sitting here alone with him-book canon is so stupid.

"Oh..." I jolted slightly as her eyes widened at him. She looked absolutely terrified.

I turned my head and caught a quick glimpse at him. His hands were balled much too tightly like he was in pain. He looked like he was totally pissed about something. "Dude I gave her the chair. Get over it. Relax."

"It isn't about the chair Katarina."

"How'd you know my name?"

He smirked, looked away and got all huffy again.

_'I really hate this bastard.'_

We had to look through telescopes which were easy anyway, anaphase and stuff that I'd already covered in class back home. Apparently so had my seating partners. We were squeezed tightly in our table, every now and then bumping into each other but it was nice. Bell, which was what I called her, and I talked about our homes and how we missed tropical weather.

Phoenix sounded nice, I decided that if I ever got back to my own world I'd visit the place.

"So why'd you move here in the first place, if you don't mind my asking?" I asked her.

"My mom got married. I wanted her to be happy with Phil." Short and sweet.

"So you did the whole self sacrificing bit for your mom? I can dig it. If I got along better with mine I'd have done the same thing."

The bell rang, Pale Guy was the first one out of the room leaving Bell and I to stare off after him in worried shock for her and bitter amusement for me. The guy was too fucking weird.

"What'd I do?"

"Nothing. He's a fucking psycho."

"Kaye language!" Mr. Banner half laughed. I don't think that Pale Face got teased on a regular. This must be a shock to everyone.

"Sorry. What I mean to say was _fecking psycho_."

"That's better."

Yeah, I was really going to like Biology.

* * *

-

School was a boring affair, lunch had been a disaster, but a hilarious one at that. When Bell and I got to the cafeteria there were the regular idiots falling all over themselves for us. It would have been alright I guess if we were more used to it but Bell and I were regular looking girls. We didn't really get what the big deal was.

So it was weird.

The bad turning point of the day happened when we were seated between Jessica Stanley and Angela Webber. I felt a prickling at the back of my neck like someone was looking at us.

"He's staring at me again..." Bell whispers in my ear. I have gotta ask her the brand name for her shampoo-she smells almost, dare I say, delicious.

"Are you shitting me? Again?"

She just nods, her face is flushed embarrassed. It reminds me of the time Christy got teased when we were in Elementary school. All the boys teased her because she was so pale and because of her red hair. "Ignore the fucker or he might stalk you."

The second it comes out my mouth there is this loud guffaw at the end of the room where Pale Face is sitting and when I look towards his table I am immediately hit with the giggles. The big guy, the one Jessica called Emmett, is leaning against the table almost chocking. His whole big body shakes so hard that the beautiful blond seated beside him starts to laugh.

The smaller girl with spiky hair is in the same position as he is. The blond boy next to her looks like he's either embarrassed, in pain or about to fall in laughter it's like he can't decide on one emotion so he's using all three.

Pale Face just stares or rather glares at me, clearly un-amused.

"...did he just...?"

"There is no way he could have heard you." She says in a low whisper. "That's crazy."

"Yeah..."

The rest of lunch is pretty much silent.

* * *

-

After my fall into this world I hadn't really any place to go. Being 18 and having a wallet of cash sort of insured me something. A motel room with just the bed, a wardrobe, a small bathroom and a T.v. seemed to be all that I would need.

When I mentioned to Bell that I was staying at a motel and that I no longer had any family she took it upon herself to sneak me into her place. No sense in wasting money, she said so I agreed. Her dad didn't really hover, he just assumed that I was staying over for a day.

"How am I supposed to move around then? You dad might think it's weird if I'm over all the time."

"Charlie's never home."

"What happens when he just decides to walk right into your room."

"He knocks. He might not mind you over anyway. He'll be glad to know I have friends."

"I see."

Days after school were spent hanging out in the house before Officer Swan came home. We'd be either reading or doing homework and talking about Edweirdo who hadn't been to school in a week.

"Maybe he's moved. You saw him in the office. He wanted to change classes."

"It's not you though. That pansy totally _hates _me."

"You think?"

"I know."

That's how it usually went. We spent constant time together, getting to know one another and then came the faults. I noticed right away that she was shy but...it pissed me off at how weak she acted. She was constantly ruled by negative emotions.

_"Butch up Bell, stop being so fucking annoying and whiney. Who cares if they won't like you? I like you, I think you're neat. If you don't want to go and hang out with Jessica, Angela and Lauren then just say no."_

_"...But..."_

_"No buts. Grow a back bone girly. Think of it this way, in another two years they wont be a blip on your radar. College my dear, think of college."_

Not to say that she didn't teach me a thing or two about tact. What a fun week that was and it was around this time that Officer _Swan-Lake_ asked to meet my parents.

It went a little like:

_"Kaye, you should invite your parents over."_

_"Why?"_

_"Well since you're here all the time-they might want to meet your friends dad or is it you know, bad at home?"_

_"No uh, it's cool just...you can't meet them?"_

_"Why not?"_

_"Well, I don't really have parents, per sey..."_

I'm closing the chapter on that...just know that afterwards I started staying at Bell's with his full knowledge under the condition that I keep up my grades and eventually get a job.

Whoopee.

Anyway, this all happened that first two weeks of knowing one another. By then Edweirdo had returned to school and still kept glaring. Bell and I ignored him for it and all was right in the artificial world...until...a few months from entering the book I figured it out. It was a Friday when everything began to make sense and I realized the book I was in...When I realized that I was in hell.

It was winter break. Christmas was around the corner and the snow was piling on. Bell and I were completely miserable of course. We hated the cold wet weather.

"FML." I said between sips of hot cocoa.

"Amen to that." Bell sneezed into her new copy of The Vampire Lestat (I had recommended the series to her and like the loveable book nerd she is she gobbled it all up)

We were sitting in the squad car huddled together in the back seat while Charlie laughed at us as he drove. We were on our way to the airport, dolled up in thick jackets shivering like idiots. I turned to Bell and grinned widely at her. "So for the entire break huh?"

"You could have come with me." She said grumpily. I guess the prospect of being alone with her mother and Phil made her a little uneasy. "But no, you decide to stay in Hell."

"Aw Bella Wella, you cursed. You actually cursed!" I wiped a fake tear. "They grow up so fast."

"Shut up." She shoved playfully. "So, what are you going to do all break?"

"I dunno. Drive Ms. Daisy around town. Pawn all your stuff. Sell your underwear on E-bay?"

"I still cannot believe you named my truck Ms. Daisy."

"I still can't believe it's not butter but hey, what are you gonna do."

The car came to a halt. Somehow we had already reached the air port and as I watched her leave I felt a little sad.

* * *

-

Have you guys ever heard of K-ON gender bend? No, well you should really get to YouTube and start looking. I spent the rest of the day, after Bell left to Florida, sitting in her room and going through her computer. Loner much? I know. Anyway, since I'm absolutely tickled pink by Japanese music, a guilty pleasure, Bell decided to make me a CD. After inserting the shinny disk titled K-ON Man, into the computer I start picking up.

The majority of the mess was books and sketch paper-graded papers and crumpled failed tests. I put everything into piles on the desk. School papers here, books there. Sketch paper and failed attempts at drawing and perfecting my skills folded and placed underneath books.

With _Watashi no Koi wa Hotch Kiss_ playing at an acceptable level (read: low) I settled on the bed that would be mine, finally, for about two weeks. I had been looking foreword to this and really nothing else...but now the concept of sleeping all by my lonesome makes me really sad.

...I miss Christy and Bell...shit. I even miss Byron the stupid cheating sonovabitch!

My eyes fall closed and I let the music carry me off to la la land where the sky is pink and Gilbert Beilschmidt of the Bad Touch Trio feeds me candy floss (pink by the way). Somewhere in the back of my mind I summon the image of Bryon Jinks before he cheated on me Byron's glittering green eyes, his dark black hair. He looks like Harry Fucking Potter you know? It's really fucking weird.

A low sigh wakes me up almost immediately my eyes train to the corner of the room and I almost (read: very closely) wet myself because standing in the corner of my (and Bell's) bedroom at, if the darkness outside meant anything, perhaps 100 PM...standing there all broody and a little surprised is Edward Motherfucking Stalker Psycho Cullen.

And all I have on is a pair of panties. Yep, you heard right. No bra, no shirt and no pants. Just my unicorn rainbow panties, _(Hetalia fan site bought oh yeah! England's face is on the front!)_.

"G-g-g-..."

"Now, just calm down Katarina..." He holds his hands up like he's going to ward off a blow-

-which was probably a good idea for him because I managed to pick up the fucking _night stand_ and fling it at his head.

"Y-you **pervert**!"

"I assure you I am no such thing!"

"**Molester**!"

Wuthering Heights flew through the air towards him and missed.

"I beg your pardon? I do not molest!"

Biology text books soar through the air and both hit him with a thud in the middle of his chest.

"You fucking Lech! You...you...**_DIRTY OLD MAN_**!"

And somehow that one gets him I mean it really pisses him off. His nostrils flare, his eyes look like the fiery pits of hell and I swear he growled.

"Gyah!"

At that moment, as I was pin down on the bed, all alone because stupid Charlie was with Billy, about three things I was absolutely positive.

First, Edward Cullen was an idiot.

Second, there was a part of him- and I didn't know how dominant that part might be- that did not yet realize our current position or my state of undress.

And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably determined to hurt him.

With swiftness and the strength of a woman truly and utterly offended I kneed him in the balls. He squeaked and fell to the side holding his family jewels as though they might disappear.

"What the **FUCK **are you doing in my room?"

"If...you...would have earlier let me explain...you didn't have to be so afraid!" Oh he was in pain and somehow _Cagayake! GIRLS!_ seemed to fit this mood as I began to laugh at his stupidity.

I laughed so hard that I almost fell.

"Look at how I'm dressed stupid. Why wouldn't I be afraid?"

It seemed as though for him, time stopped and he began to realize his error. Not only was he caught watching some girl sleeping in her room late at night like some creepy stalker, he was watching some girl sleeping in her room late at night like a creepy stalker and she was **_topless_**.

His face was easy to read...the stupid rapist!

"Oh...oh my!"

"Yeah Edward, oh fecking my..." I grabbed my bra from the floor and clasped it on. "How'd you get inside the house in the first place? You can't climb in the window, the tree's too far away. The window was locked and...Might I mention the doors are always locked?"

I was determined to hide the key that was outside in a much more secure place, that is, if I made it out of this encounter alive.

"You'll live...believe me." He said seeming to read my mind and something suddenly clicked.

The world that I had fallen in had been by accident. I remembered coming home, finding that coin, I remembered leaving and before that I had grabbed one of Christy's books. The one she said was so **totally bullshit**.

She had told me about it, she had dragged me to see the movie so she could make fun of it but it never occurred to me that this was...

"I know what you are?"

"What?" He asked a little bewildered.

I pulled a white tank over my bra and just stood with my back to him. I was staring at the desk at pictures of Bell and her mother, pictures of her in Phoenix with her friends from her old school and next to that one a picture of her as a little girl with a little Indian boy standing next to her obviously in love.

_Oh Lordy...how could it have slipped my mind?_

"I know what you are. I mean...I know _know_. You know?"

He was standing closely behind me I guess trying to read my mind if he could...he probably could so he had to know everything, right?

"Say it...if you know what I am then I want you to...say it say it out loud!" A harsh whisper and I feel a headache coming on. Oh yeah, I totally figured out where I am.

"A sparkling misogynistic idiot of a vampire with control issues."

"..."

Epic silence followed.

* * *

**-Parody 1 Ended. Parody 2? Well you got to review.-**

**

* * *

  
**

**I was trying hard not to bash even though it was a parody. Anyway, I figured, why the hell not add in Kaye. Those of you who are unfamiliar to my story Harry Potter and the Real Girl, Kaye is from that story. She's a gruff angry vulgar girl so it's not like she was mean to Edward to be mean. She's just a mean person in general and this is how I could see them interacting.**

**Since this is a parody I didn't try to hard to make certain aspects, like her living arrangements, incredibly believable.**

**Also, I am not a Twilight series fan but I don't bash it (I might have here but it wasn't that bad right)**

**Anyway, for you Twi Lovers I kept it neat and light bashing against Edward...which wasn't by much I mean, lets be realistic...he was al little creepy.**

**Anyway preview the parody...maybe I'll finish it.**


	2. It's like Gravitation!

**It's like Gravitation**

**[**Without the happy go lucky gay singer and the tall sarcastic sexy writer he stalks into true love...**]**

* * *

-

Kaye had a stalking problem.

No, not like that, she was not the stalker she happened to be the stalkee (however one would spell that.)

Since Kaye happened to be on the oblivious side it took her quite a while to realize that she was being followed. Three days and Mike Newton giving her worried glances finally synched something and to Kaye's utter horror it began to dawn on her.

The story she had fallen into was about a naïve new girl falling in love with an obsessive overbearing glittering vampire who watched her every move-Bella was supposed to be the girl that the story revolved around but with Kaye's sudden appearance in the world and melding Bella's passive attitude into something stronger...

"I think I'm going to vomit blood."

"I wouldn't do that, it isn't healthy."

"Shut up or I'll kill you!"

Kaye had taken Bella's place in Edward's twisted completely illogical heart.

"Why do you tease me so?"

"Were you slow as a child?"

Currently Kaye was huddled in a thick winter coat on the front porch of Charlie's house. It had been exactly three days since Bella had gone to visit her mother, two days since the incident with Edward the Sparkling Idiot seeing her breasts while being the creepy stalker that he is and-let us not forget, a day in a half since Mike Newton pointed out that Edward being everywhere they were skulking behind corners and hiding in the shadows was _not _the Cullen norm.

She took a long sip of her hot cocoa and stared passed the Bronze Wonder at the shiny Volvo trying with all her might to blow it up with her mind. _'If I learn awesome violent Jedi mid tricks then I could use them on Edward and end this stupid story!'_

"Jedi mind tricks, Katarina?" He chuckled. "You have such an amusing mind."

"Why don't you go home?" She imagined the sight of his head combusting into flame and suppressed a smile. "What is it about me that is so fascinating?"

He shrugged in an oddly human gesture almost reminding her of Byron when he was a kid. She rid herself of the thought, thinking about Byron was going to depress her and then it would mean Cullen trying his hardest to make her happy.

_'Good God, Edward Stalker trying to make with the nice...why do I suddenly have the urge to drown myself in this cocoa?'_

She didn't need this type of aggravation; she decided she would do anything for some peace and quiet. Anything to get this creature of the "supposed" night (though those rules didn't apply to him at all) away from her.

"Ok, Edward...if I do one thing just one thing for you do you think you can go away for the rest of the day?"

"A bribe?"

"Yes." She said. "Of course. Like I'd willingly subject my self into anything that would make you happy for my own benefit, idiot."

He didn't seem to take her open hostility into account, he seemed almost pleased. Sitting himself on his knees in front of her, he leaned upward so that he was very close to her face. Her impassive brown eyes glared into his and he smiled. "I just want to try one thing."

"Ok. Try it. Then be gone with you for the rest of the day."

* * *

-

Mrs. Biggs had been enjoying a hot cup of tea that she had every day at 12 in the afternoon for the past eighteen years, always at the front bay windows and always listening to her records. She had a wonderful view of the other houses, particularly Officer Swans residence. Mrs. Biggs would often take careful note at what she saw to report/gossip with the girls during bridge later in the evening always precisely at six in the afternoon.

"Good Lord!" Her tea cup fell into her lap, her free hand landed with a sickening slap to the table with her record making the old contraption fall to the ground sufficiently ending the music.

Torn between laughter and shock she decided numbly to just watch the Cullen boy collect himself from the ground. The new resident of the Swan household, a distant relative to Officer Swan, had apparently seen fit to _kick _the Cullen boy in the face after he had kissed her.

In the distance if one listened closely they would hear Emmett Cullen's laughter (apparently he and Jasper Hale/Whitlock/Cullen) had decided to drag their little brother home only to see the death defying kick to Edward's marble jaw and his flight off the porch steps.

Quite impressive for a human, Jasper would probably have said if he weren't also stuck in a fit of unparalleled laughter.

* * *

-

_'So you're all set then? My dad helped lug everything inside that you would need?' _Belle's worried mother hen impression had improved, Kaye thought, as she unpacked her kitchen. _'I can't believe he agreed to helping you get your own place.'_

"Well," Kaye began stacking her plates in the small red cupboard. "Seeing as I got a job and the fact that this place is just so damn cheap Charlie and I figured I'd be able to pay it well off myself. Mike was nice enough to help me land a job right, and then his mother just loves me."

_'So you landed a nice little job, a studio apartment in the poor side of town and what? Just to stay away from me? I'm crying as we speak you know.'_

"Wow, Belle, the sarcasm has me rolling in laughter." Kaye shook her head and laughed as she set the cups into the other cubby above the sink. "You do realize that you're more then welcome to come by whenever you want right?"

_'Yeah sure, anyway, I've got to ask you something.'_

"Shoot."

_'Are you and Edward Cullen a couple?'_

"...did you somehow ingest stupid on your journey to Florida? Are you high? Its crack isn't it?"

_'What? No!'_

"Then there is no excuse for asking such a question! I'll answer anyway though, he and I aren't an item and we are not messing around! The freak has been _following _me and _sneaking _into our room. Why do you think I decided to move out? It's for your benefit!"

She almost shrieked when an impossibly cold finger tapped her shoulder. Edward _'I'm going to rape you in your sleep because I'm a filthy stalker and can't help myself' _Cullen was seated on the counter of the kitchen area of the studio apartment.

_'Kaye?'_

"Uh ha ha ha," Nervous laughter. "Belle-Buggy I'ma have to call you back. I've uh found a bug that needs to be obliterated from this planet." Deadpanned, monotone and everything that her expression shouted should have told Edward to go away. Apparently stalker men in this story couldn't take the "**REJECTED**" hint.

_'Ok then.'_

After the phone conversation ended there was a lengthy pause in which Kaye began to think about her options. This world was not only too easy to live in but incredibly annoying. How was it that girls pawned over pretty vampire boys like Edward?

_This is the kind of guy you get a restraining order against!!!_

"You think so?"

"Don't read my mind you little punk. Just tell me what the hell it is you want from me?" She crossed her arms over her chest annoyed but slightly pleased. Apparently the little idiot had decided to unpack her things-wonderful, less that she would have to do. "Shoot."

"I want to live with you."

**"**What the hell are you talking about? Are you insane?"

**"**I don't see what the big deal is. You've got more space than you possibly need.**"**

"What's that to you? Besides it's a studio. There's barely any space!"

**"**I'll cook and clean and do the laundry. You won't even notice I'm here. I'll clean your ears and give you shoulder rubs! And when the lights go out, we'll play Master and Servant!" (Whatever that meant, Emmett had said that saying this would cinch it...Edward wasn't so sure)

"Forget it! Have you completely lost your mind?"

"But... but... but... I don't want anyone else to be with you! I've already made up my mind! I won't share you! You know this is our time, so just shut up and let me unleash this zeal I feel!"

"..."

When Kaye's foot reacquainted itself with Edward's face he made a mental note to kill Emmett for giving him any sort of advice. Of course, it had been unadvisable to follow even Rosalie had warned him and Alice had to physically leave the house in order to stop laughing. Jasper hadn't gone with her instead he had opted to ignore the situation while Esme gushed on future new daughter. Carlisle had no comment.

Emmett said to come off strong, sexy and adorable.

Edward Cullen failed **epically **at all three.

* * *

-

Kaye smoked Marlboro.

Kaye had an affinity for coffee and loved to read.

Her style in clothing was normal, t-shit, a pair of jeans and sneakers, she was the kind of girl that screamed _"I'm in your face" _with her personality but her sense of fashion shouted _"I may or may not be pretty" _and that was something he was eager to change.

Drinking too much coffee was bad for your health and stained your teeth.

Smoking was unhealthy and unattractive.

Edward decided that Kaye needed a definite change to her lifestyle. So what did our Sparkling Stalker do when Kaye left her (their) apartment?

"Kaye...what's up? You look beat."

Her head made a wonderful thump against the table where Mike Newton stared quizzically. Kaye turned her head to the side and stared Mike with tired and impossibly big brown eyes.

"Coffee...there's no coffee anywhere!" She whispered. "I...I cannot go on...so tired...so weak..."

"So you're one of many effected by it huh? Did you hear that apparently all the coffee in the town was stolen? I bet it'll take a while to get any caffeine back in Forks."

Kaye made an ineligible whine.

"There, there..." Mike pat her head with a loud sigh. It was going to be a long day.

* * *

-

"...you don't carry cigarettes?"

"Well," The man behind the glass shrugged a bit nervously. He'd had to do this all day, explaining to all sorts of angry jittery people. "No I mean, I guess the kids who stole all the coffee in town did in the stores. All we've got is chewing tobacco."

A nice spidery crack in the glass made it harder to see the outside world but Jim, the gas station worker, wasn't bothered in the least. "That was one pissed off teenager."

* * *

-

"Kaye what are you wearing?"

Officer Charlie Swan had been floored by what stood before him. His eyes, he felt, were in need of a check-he decided to make an appointment in the near future. This was like something out of the twilight zone.

"You don't like it?"

"No I do...just..."

Kaye Winchester was in his living room dressed up...like a girl! Now you must be thinking, _'Silly Charlie, Kaye is a girl!'_

You would, however, be wrong in that assumption. Kaye, like Bella, were not merely girls. Girls like fluffy pretty girly things. Kaye was a _"normal"_ girl. The kind that didn't primp or care about their wardrobe.

To see her dolled up...

"I'm kind of digging it. Edward told me to, so I did. That's all. I feel pretty." Kaye giggled causing the hair on the back of Charlie's neck to stand. When Kaye giggled it was never a good thing. "I wasn't even that upset to find that he had donated _all of my clothes_ to good will and replaced them with brand name girly clothes. I mean, it's not like I was particularly attached to those clothes I worked _hard _to buy or anything."

It suddenly dawned on Charlie that Edward Cullen may no longer be amongst the living in the world. He felt compelled to assist the obvious idiotic youth that had done such a blunder but could not find it in him to move. All he could do was question.

"Where?"

"That would be the pathetically writhing sobbing ball of stupid on your porch."

"What did you do?"

"I kicked him in the balls with my new pointed tip heels."

"...the games on." Charlie turned back to the T.V. there was nothing he could do.

"I'll get you some beer."

Mrs. Biggs couldn't help but laugh.

Oh the sweet sweet gossip!

* * *

-

**Karin: not as good as the first one...this was chocked full of Edward violence.**

**Also, never take caffeine and nicotine away from those addicted to them. Only pain can come from this.**

**When attempting to convert a 'Normal' girl (or tomboy which ever you prefer to call them) one must always be very carful. **

**Gravitation manga assisted so much in this. Why? Because LTO pointed out that while Edward's usually broody he comes off with Shuichi like tendencies that defy logic to be with the one he loves.**

**Kaye's sarcastic, mean and loves to smoke.**

**Apparently they are Girl Eiri and Broody Vampire Shuichi?**

**I don't see it either.**

**Review and I'll add on!**


	3. When did these start becoming tracks?

**-Track...wait! When did _these _start becoming tracks?-**

* * *

-

Bella Swan commonly known as Belle-Buggy by her friends or rather just the two, was currently stretched across the queen bed inhaling the sweet exotic scent of...

"Why do your sheets smell so good?" Her brown eyes turned to the girl currently rested on the lazy-boy. Mike Newton, who had somehow weaseled his way into their tight nit circle, was sprawled on the floor in front of the bed reading. "Do you know what she uses?"

"Not a clue-what is up with girls and there smelly stuff."

"You know, when you say it like that you make it sound gross." Bella scrunched her nose. "Haven't you noticed that this entire place smells really good? It's sweet and soft..."

"What are you talking about?" Mike grunted. "This place smells like any other place sure it has a scent...wait!" He zeroed in on Kaye who by now had her face buried in her book attempting the ground to open up and eat her. "This place smells like Stalker Cullen."

"It does not!" Resisting the urge to throw her book at Mike, which she really wanted to do, Kaye turned to Bella and smiled warmly, the kind of smile that screams 'Make him stop or I will resort to violence doing so'.

"I don't think it smells like him." Bella shrugged. "Besides, shouldn't it worry you if it did? That would mean that Edward was in her apartment like, all the time. As the boy irritatingly in love with Kaye you should be worried."

"Who says I'm in love with Kaye?"

Bella lifted her head from the mattress and gave him a look one that plainly said 'you're kidding right?' which made his face go red obviously affronted.

"Ok now maybe I had a thing for her in the beginning but I know better now."

"Hey!" Kaye threw down her book. "What the hell does that mean?"

"What I mean is, going out on two dates with you gave me greater sympathy for what guys go through in combat." He said. "No offense, my lovely ball-buster."

"None taken." Kaye shrugged relaxing on her chair with a sigh.

"Lovely." Bella giggled. "But really, am I the only one here concerned about the fact that this entire place smells like Edward Cullen. Does he live here or something?"

"Well," Mike looked up at her his blue eye twinkling. "he has been stalking Kaye since you left and when I say stalking I mean the guy is everywhere! We went to Hallmark to buy some Christmas cards and guess who just happened to be there perusing?"

"Maybe it was a coincidence."

"Yeah that's what I thought," He continued his story now sitting Indian style gazing for a moment at an annoyed Kaye before turning to Bella with a light blush-how he liked the girl! "but then we hit the movies-he sat in the back row. We went for a coffee at Starbucks and he was behind us in line. We drove to the store to pick up our paychecks and he was buying hunting gear."

By now Bella's brown eyes were wide. She hugged a nearby pillow close to her chest getting more and more afraid. "Really?"

"Yeah. Then things became violent."

"What? He hurt you Kaye?" She asked her friend who was looking out the window pointedly ignoring them.

"What? Pft! No. Kaye starting beating him up. I didn't think it was possible for a guy to live with the amount of times she injured his balls." Mike winced at a particularly fresh memory. "Then there was the clothes thing. Do you know how hard was to get all her old clothes back?"

"Wow, Kaye, you should really call the police. No, call my dad. He'll take care of it."

"It's alright." Kaye assured with a smile on her face. "Your dad knows I can handle myself and c'mon, what kinda person would I be if I alleviated the source of entertainment this community has acquired by my so called violence?"

"So called violence?" Mike asked incredulously. "You slammed his head into a concrete wall. I though he was gonna die!"

"Well maybe he shouldn't have been trying to take away my smokes."

The look that passed both Bella and Mike's face shouted something along the lines of are you kidding. But then they both knew well enough that if Edward hadn't stopped after something like that then there was nothing they could do. For Mike it was a source of endless entertainment for Bella it was the source of much anxiety.

Really, if Kaye wanted to get shipped off to prison for killing someone then who was Bella to interfere?

Maybe having a friend in prison would be fun.

* * *

-

Mika and Bella had left as soon as it turned ten thirty stating that while Kaye was alright staying in all day that they wanted to enjoy their youth and go out for a movie (which Kaye would have joined but one glare from Mike and she declined).

As soon as she herd the SUV pull away did the auditable click of her window sound and Edward _I kick puppies_ Cullen appeared, sitting on the window sill in what he must have assumed was a sexy pose.

It wasn't.

"So their dating?" He started the conversation as Kaye scrambled around the kitchen area making tea.

Since Cullen wasn't looking at her like a Happy Meal she decided to be semi nice by giving him a cup. Not that he could drink it but the hot mug would warm his hands a bit making the marble more pleasant when he decided to touch her against her will with slightly chilled hands rather then pure ice. (After which she would promptly kick his ass like she always did, make no mistake, she hates his guts.)

"Mike's trying, Bella's just clueless. Now," She leaned against the sink crossing her arms. "What brings you here oh magical woman repellant."

"I'm not repellant, woman usually find me irresistible." He gave her his academy award winning crooked smile which probably worked on a lot of girls like Lauren and Jessica (and surprisingly Tyler)-it had no effect of Kaye however, which seemed to make him even happier.

"You'd think that since I'm a girl, my opinion that you give off no desirable lusty feelings would carry more weight. But no, not you. You'd rather carry on like an idiot and smile like the pervert you claim not to be then to listen to what I have to say."

He grinned wider.

Kaye scowled deeper.

His wiggled his thick eyebrows.

Kaye hit him in the face with a frying pan.

"What was that for?!" Edward half shouted, a hand holding his now healing cracked left cheek. His eyes were black, a danger sign to Kaye that she never took that seriously, and he scowled when she laughed. "It's not funny. That actually hurt."

"What like all the other pains I've given you have mere been tickles?" She shrugged, the frying pan incredibly dented, still in her hands. "I have to try harder now."

Instead of sashaying out the window in a cloud of eternal teenage brood, which he always did, Kaye was taken by surprise by the idiotic vampire's sudden brazenness as he...

**BAM!**

"What the hell Cullen?"

"I thought you'd like it. The moment seemed right."

_SWIPE_~

**BAM!**

**BAM!!**

**BAM!!!**

"Like hell! Who do you think you are kissing me like that you freak! You have venom Eddie, V-E-N-O-M! Damn it all my mouth is going numb." She felt her mouth filled with saliva; her tongue was starting to swell slightly so she shut her mouth with a loud snap.

The frying pan in her hand was a piece of twisted stainless steel that was unrecognizable. She glowered and while Edward nursed his aching cracked head he couldn't help but smile.

She was quiet now..._satisfaction attained!_

"You'll be alright the swelling and numbness will leave in about an hour-besides, it's not anything you aren't used to."

_'Fuck your mother!'_ She thought quite loudly making him wince. _'I hate you, you pervert rapist freak!'_

"I am not a PERVERT I am a gentleman!"

_'Yeah right, because any ol' gentleman would stalk a girl, sneak into her house and completely ignore her rejection? Please! I bet you molest me in my sleep!'_

"Why I _never_!' The word 'never' left his mouth in a high pitched squeak making Kaye internally cackle.

He was insulted now..._Satisfaction attained!_

She gave him one more smack to the head with her mangled frying pan and internally laughed loudly as he fell into a heap with a piercing cry.

Oh yes, she would have to invest in frying pans..._glorious frying pans_.

"...I'm going home." He said after collecting himself from the floor. He wobbled a bit before he gained his footing. "This has been nice."

_'...sure it has...'_

"I'm going to take the stairs this time, you know, something new."

_'Yeah, yeah pretend that I didn't totally give you a vampire concussion. Be gone, shoo!'_ She waved him off throwing her frying pan on the bed. _'Try not to come back tonight; I need some time alone to process the shit that has become my life since I've met you.'_

He was at the door in an instant, turning back smiling crookedly.

"You know, Katarina?"

_'What the hell do you want? Leave already!'_

"...you _**will** _fall in love with me."

He was gone before she could even think of what insult to throw at him.

Standing in the middle of her kitchen/bed room/living room, Kaye Winchester's eye boggled in surprise. It wasn't that Edward Cullen was never brazen, he was by nature. But the fact that he had the balls to actually tell her, as though he KNEW it was going to happen, that she would feel something like that...the only person she had _ever _loved was Byron.

Byron Jinks, her first boyfriend, love of her life cheating bastard who had slept with one of her best friends...right. And right now Edward _the shimmering pixie fool_ Cullen had reminded her of him...Byron, that bastard!

_'And so the lion fell in love with the lamb, isn't that how it went...well this lamb is a lot more cunning and homicidal.' _She crossed her arms across her chest. _'I swear, before I make it back to my world, I am going to kill him.'_

_

* * *

  
_

-

School, no matter in what world you were in, was hell. The work was easy-ish, math was really the only problem she actually had but everything else was easy sailing. Considering that in her world she was a month from graduating-all this was pretty simple.

Having only two classes with Bella and Mike was a little annoying since she didn't really know anyone else but she managed.

When Edward Cullen had somehow changed his schedule so that he had now all six classes with her, not just one, made her want to pull her teeth out.

Conning his way so that he was almost always seated next to her and partnered with her made her seriously think of dropping out because now he was everywhere.

Sneaking his way into her lunch table...that was just wrong!

Lunch was sacred!

...that ass-hole!

"So Edward, are you like, Kaye's boyfriend or something?" It was an innocent question, of course.

Jessica Stanley was a bit annoying with her cheer and her bubbly disposition. It had never bothered Kaye, until now.

Everyone seated there looked directly at Edward Cullen who looked far too innocent. Tyler and Lauren tried not sighing (it was funny since both were dating each other and seemed not to realize that they were both in love with the same person), Angela was a little curious, Ben didn't seem to really care, Eric was smiling glad that the conversation had been pulled away from teasing him to something else.

Bella and Mike's expression made Kaye want to pull a Toyotomi Hideyoshi and demand that they perform a suicidal Seppuku. Bella looked anxious and excited for Kaye while Mike's eyes were twinkling in mirth.

"Hm?" Edward merely grabbed hold of the back of Kaye chair and began toying with her hair, curling the strands with his fingers. "What would give you _that _idea?"

Jessica sputtered embarrassed as Kaye's fist landed a direct hit to Edward's balls..._again_. He toppled over and fell from his chair to the linoleum floor with a low cry.

"We are **not **and will **never **be a couple. I. **Hate**. Him." She began to chew on her pizza ignoring the looks that were directed at her and the sobbing ball of pain called Edward. The conversation turned to something else, very quickly while Mike laughed.

Emmett Cullen, who was not in school that day, he would regret ever playing hooky for the next twenty years.

Jasper, who was usually the good one, posted the video he ever so discreetly recorded on his phone, to YouTube.

Alice had already succumbed to laughter haveing already had that partu\icular vision.

Rosalie didn't give a damn.

"Hey Tyler, you gonna finish that taco?" Kaye asked as if nothing had happened.

Tyler angrily took a bite.

* * *

-

"...not that I'm a shy person or anything and I know that usually you never stoop this low unless it's important but, why exactly are you sitting in my bathroom as I am in the bath?"

"What? I cannot simply wish to bask in your company?"

"I lit candles that smell nice, I've got incense and there is even classical music going."

"I can see this Kaye; it's a very nice atmosphere...very calming?"

"This is _Kaye's unwinding from a long Edward filled day_. You are cutting into my self calming time. And since I know you're too much of a pussy to actually want to see my naked without my permission I have to, again, ask why? What do you want?"

"..."

"Don't play with candles brat, you might light you incredibly moosed up hair on fire and where the thought of you hurting yourself would send me into a fit of giggles I do not want you destroying any of my stuff."

"Ok, you've got me, are you happy? I feel like a fool."

"My work is done, I have concurred you're tremendous ego."

"I'll get to it then, the fact that you are nude despite the fact that you are covered is very disconcerting."

"Pansy."

"It's improper."

"Get to it brat."

"Fine...my family wants to meet you."

"...what?"

* * *

-

Kaye found herself in the living of a very impressive house. The glass walls set against the modernistic furniture gave way to something posh and sophisticated that reminded her of a New York penthouse.

She grew increasingly uncomfortable and her hitting hand itched wishing that she had a frying pan in her hand to hit something with.

Preferably the stupid vampire that had carried her over his shoulder against her will in order to gain approval from his vampire parents, who she didn't give a damn about meeting.

"You know, you could have dressed up a bit more nicely. Not that I dislike anything you wear," Edward whispered recalling in vivid detail the hit to his dangly bits after he had stolen all her clothes deeming them unattractive. "but you're meeting my family. It's important."

"To who, you psychopath? I did not agree to meet your family ok, I could care less. Why the hell did you bring me here anyway, I am not your girlfriend!"

"You will be."

Oh how she wished for a frying pan...the nerve of him the absolute gal!

"You're going to hit me aren't you?"

"..." She kicked him in the nuts, before apologizing to his parents after which she walked straight out the door in a huff.

"Well son, she sure is..._exuberant_." Carlisle said slowly trying to easy the absolute shock.

"You just have to try to get along. You shouldn't tease her so much."

Edward, after collecting himself from the ground and smiled wistfully, making Carlisle slightly uncomfortable and Esme smile. "She's a challenge I will admit, this chase of cat and mouse is very amusing."

Emmett held out his hand laughing as Jasper grudgingly deposited a wad of bills into his hand. The burly vampire laughed childishly.

"A bets a bet."

"But how on earth did you know she would his him below the belt after ten minutes of being _in _the house?"

"Have you not paid attention to this girl? She hates Eddie; her one true joy in life is to make him writhe in a pain." He wiped away a fake tear. "A woman after my own heart."

* * *

-

"You've beaten my brother."

"Yeah?"

"You've humiliated him."

"So what?"

"...You don't salivate over him or worship the ground he walks on."

"No I don't. Does this conversation have a point or are you just stating facts that I already know just for the excuse to talk to me?"

Rosalie Hale extended her hands a look of approval in her bronze colored eyes.

"You have my approval."

Kaye almost gulped; she had never seen someone so beautiful look so completely lifeless-it was like looking at a giant Barbie doll only prettier.

She took the hand and grasped it firmly in a shake.

"Wait, approval? Like you think I'm with your brother? No way! I hate him."

"Oh no, I know that. I approve of you because of your choices. It's hard to find any humans with a brain."

"So you aren't mad?"

"Why would I be mad...I haven't had this much fun since I died." She pulled her hand back. "What I don't understand is why he cares for you the way he does. I'm not trying to be insulting but you come off completely boyish."

"You want the truth? Well how can I put this delicately? I'm your average girl, but your brother Edward... when we first met... he fell in love with me because he thought I was a man." It was said in serious deadpan.

Kaye felt herself cracking under Rosalie's indifferent bronze eyes but stood still trying to keep up the uncaring front failing epically when Rosalie Hale almost fell over in raucous laughter.

* * *

-

"My family likes you."

"So what?" Kaye asked turning over in her bed. Her hand went underneath her pillow reaching for her new frying pan only to have it out of reach. She noted, with displeasure, that Cullen was holing it in his hands.

"Nothing." He said. The light from the moon outside made his body shimmer, lighting his features in such a way he looked like a statue...or, what Kaye thought, like a pixie drenched in glitter. "I'm just happy." He was brightly smiling.

Kaye had never in her life wanted to hurt him more.

"You're happy? No wonder I wanna smack you." She settled for throwing her alarm clock at his head. "Creepy Stalker."

* * *

-

**A little less funny huh well sorry about that I just wanted to update quickly. Anyway, another thanks to Gravitation (Eiri specifically).**

**Next chapter I hope to introduce Jacob and the wolf pack who might just witness more violence to come to Edward's already beaten genitalia.**

**Why does he keep coming back for more? Well, I take it that he's a masochist. Kaye's abuse towards him is probably a secret turn on.**

**Review please I would love more reviews in order to update quicker. No flames...this is humor, parody...it isn't to be taken seriously so if you are a die hard Edward fan then...you probably should have stopped reading at chapter 1.**

**Seriously, if this is offending you then you've no one to blame but yourself. This is chapter 3...if it hurts you then why did you read to chapter 3?**

**Anyway, no flames but reviews are welcome!**

**-Karin.**


	4. Wolfy

**And so doth the law of Puberty go out the window...**

**[**Or the chapter where Kaye begins to understand that sometimes growing up in tiny overcast towns is more hazardous then living on the streets of East L.A. or any burrow of New York-particularly the Boogie Down Bronx circa 1976 (1)...wow...this was a _really_ long intro!**]**

**

* * *

  
**

**-**

**Spiffy cool phrase and or quote before the prologue that is supposed to give off the feeling that there is more depth to the story then what there really is thus creating a false sense security that what you are reading will be good and curiosity, because you have to know what makes it good only for the inevitable disappointment that sets in as you find that the awesome poem and or quote was the best part...(2):**

_"When I read it I was convinced Stephanie was convinced she was Bella and it was like it was a book that wasn't supposed to be published. It was like reading her sexual fantasy, especially when she said it was based on a dream and it was like, 'Oh I've had this dream about this really sexy guy,' and she just writes this book about it. Like some things about Edward are so specific, I was just convinced, like, 'This woman is mad. She's completely mad and she's in love with her own fictional creation.' And sometimes you would feel uncomfortable reading this thing."_

-Robert Pattinson (3)

* * *

**-**

**Prologue to the chapter... (4) **

As I sat there, contemplating the turn of events that had taken place in my life, I couldn't help but nearly weep at the sight before me. I had never seen anything so vastly _unique_ in my entire seventeen years of existence.

His skin was opalescent, gleaming in the soft sun light with what appeared to be thousands of tiny jewels encrusted in his marble skin completely offsetting his glimmering bronze colored eyes. His pale pink lips parted in his _irrefutable_ crooked grin that set my heart racing and then he began to speak.

"This is what a monster really looks like Kaye." He lifted his head making his angular face glimmer. "Are you afraid?"

My mouth opened, closed and then opened again as my heart continued to race...

"Yes I'm afraid. For every gay man in Washington you stole glitter from you thief! Damn it Edward Cullen, I told you that kidnapping me on my days off was a strict **NO FUCKING WAY** didn't I?" yes my heart raced-in _annoyance_.

The "vampire" in front of me frowned for a fraction of a second as he meandered through the tall grass of the meadow. "Oh Kaye, don't you seen I can never listen to your rules, I can't help myself where you're concerned...you're like a drug to me. My very own brand of hero-" He tripped over a rock. "_Oomph_!"

There was awkward silence for at least several seconds as my internal monologue began its cackles. I placed my hands on both my hips and hid my smiling face by tilting my head as he collected himself from the ground, pieces of loose grass and leaves sticking to his product murdered hair.

"What were you trying to say, you know about me being a drug."

"Well it won't sound cool now. Now I look like an idiot."

I reached up and pat his head softly as I could, shaking as I began to really laugh.

"Well shit Eddie it's a little late for that. I already _knew _you were an idiot!"

**End Prologue**

* * *

-

Kaye hadn't been to a beach like this in her entire life. As a Florida girl Kaye had often been to beaches and at an early age had been accustomed to seeing people half naked in tiny bikinis, one piece suits and even hairy chested men in Speedos as they waddled through the hot Florida sun into the slightly chilled blue waters.

Beaches in Forks Washington-or rather La Push, seemed to completely derail anything that she had ever been used to. The water looked a bit murky due to the gray clouds on a normal over cast day and much less inviting then Daytona, Cocoa or Miami Beach. People walked bundled up in their jackets and thick pants and shoes along the shoreline.

It was like nothing she had ever seen before.

"This is too weird." She mumbled to Bella who had an arm looped through Mike's. They were walking along the shoreline as cold gusts of wind hit their backs.

"What?"

"This is so not a beach!" She said. "This is...I don't know what this is."

"What are you talking about?" Mike asked looking over Bella's head. His nose was turned a shade of pink from the frigid air.

"This beach is so weird."

"Oh I get you." He said. "I'm a California boy. Believe me, when I first moved here eight years ago I thought the same thing."

Bella nodded in agreement. Since the three of them weren't originally from Forks (Bella didn't really count since she was raised elsewhere) they could talk comfortably about how strange it could be without insulting anyone.

Well, Kaye really didn't care if she insulted anyone anyway-it was more for Bella and Mike's sake that she kept her thoughts to herself and to them.

_And _Stalker Cullen-she didn't give a damn how insulting her words were around him. In fact she usually bumped up the vulgarity to make his "gentleman" like qualities gape in horror. He had even called her a brute once...

That was always fun!

They walked from the shoreline up the beach people watching as they went. There was a bonfire where some of the native teenagers sat around and joked. It looked warm, Kaye thought.

"Bella!"

A tall bulky youth with creamy russet skin and long dark hair jogged towards Kaye, Bella and Mike. There was a smile on his face showing off two rows of perfect white teeth.

Kaye tried not to notice Mike's stiff posture or the fact that his arm now rested snuggly around Bella's waist. _'Oh here we go...'_

"Jake. Hey, what's up? You know anabolic steroids are..."

Jake interrupted her with a barking laugh that set his whole face alight with complete boyish charm. "Roids joke, huh? Heard it all before but, Bella I'm a bit disappointed in you. I always pegged you for original."

She giggled up at him. "Well I'm having an off day." She said with a shake of her head.

Jake smiled, looked at the hand on her waist then to Mike.

"I can _see_ that."

_'Oh no he didn't!'_

Kaye, who was never quiet by nature sat back and watched the epic battle of testosterone that flared between the two boys from their eyes. It seemed like Bella just didn't get it either.

"Hey Bella, who's your **_friend_**." It wasn't phrased as a question and the word friend was laced with the undertone of _"that's all you'll ever be" _with a dash of _"she's mine"_. Though Bella didn't seem to notice or hear the soft yet threatening growl emitting from Jake. Kaye had to suppress a giggle.

"Oh, yeah, guys this is Jacob Black. My dad knows his dad ergo I know Jake." She said in her usual voice of awkward disinterest. "Jake this is Mike Newton an-"

"I got it!" Kaye stuck out her hand with a bright smile as he shook it firmly-the guy was running really hot in temperature. "The names Katarina Merope Winchester but call me Kaye. Calling me Katarina will get your balls mashed like carrots."

"You mash carrots?" He asked amused.

"I might."

He shook his head, obviously distracted from Mike long enough for the blond to discreetly weasel Bella's hand in his, lacing the fingers nicely. _Hey_, Kaye thought, _Jake seems like a nice guy but Mike's been putting up the effort._

"So, Jacob," Mike said smoothly with a smirk on his lips at the expression Jake now wore. He was staring at Bella and Mike's interlaced fingers like they were a bear trap. "are you on a date? I mean, I assume you _have _a girlfriend."

Kaye bit her lip trying not to laugh.

Bella looked disinterested.

Mike had an expression that shouted _"I'm the king of the fucking world and you, jester, lick my shoes!"_

And Jake, well, he looked stumped.

"No, I'm not on a date. I was actually here with some friends. Wanted to know if you'd like to join, but since you all seem so _busy_-" He glared at the hands. "then I'll just be on my way."

Kaye watched his broad back as he walked towards the bonfire. Something in her squeezed uncomfortably, was it heart burn?

Huh? You guys though it might be guilt?

No. Kaye doesn't feel sorry for Jacob Black. She's Team _Mikella_ (5)

"You should go with him Kaye."

"Huh?"

"You should go with him. You know, get to know new people, make new friends that may or may not help you to get your stalker off your back." Mike was smiling warmly but his eyes were shouting _"go please I wanna go on a date with Bella!"_

The things she did in the name of friendship.

Oh man, she was sounding like a Yu-Gi-Oh character and not any of the cool ones.

"Yeah I guess I could just hang out...with Jake! I...mean I should...get to know people...right?"

"Yeah that'd be good." Bella agreed completely disregarding Kaye's awkward dialogue. From behind her Mike was silently cheering and giving Kaye his thumbs up probably promising to erect a statue in her honor. "I mean, the only people you know are Mike and I. Jake's a good guy. You'd get along." She turned to Mike who quickly gained his composure before she realized something was wrong. "Right Mike?"

"Yep. It's why I offered the idea. For Kaye's benefit and all. Not for me or anything. To get you alone." He nervously laughed.

Bella still didn't get it.

"I'm pretty sure Jake could give you a ride home. I mean, unless you'd be nervous and all. You're kind of shy right?"

It was things like this that Kaye loved about Bella. The girl was so naïve.

"It's alright...you have fun...I know...I...will?"

"Great! Mike and I will see you later."

The girl also couldn't read the atmosphere if it were a giant pink elephant on roller blades.

As she watched them walk off Kaye began to think of all sorts of things to do alone at the beach only to come up with the conclusion that things she normaly did in beaches were not even remotely possible or healthy-why swim in freezing ocean water?

She walked towards the group of males and found Jake sitting with his back turned away from the fire. He was looking in the direction that Mike and Bella had walked off from.

"So, they ditch you?"

"Not really. I just decided to uh...meet new people." She sat beside him ignoring the howling laughter from the boys behind her. "So...new person...tell me about yourself!"

Jake lifted a thick dark brow his liquid black eyes were dull and angry mostly at Mike, maybe at himself. Kaye really didn't give a shit; she just wanted a way out of boredom.

"I'm in love with a completely oblivious girl whose blond idiot boyfriend I wouldn't mind murdering and mounting his head like a dear in my living room." He turned to Kaye. "You?"

"Oh well I was just gonna ask what your favorite color was but that's ok too. I mean, I love hearing angsty stories about all the men in love with Belle-Buggy...without them then where would my source of entertainment be?"

"Belle-Buggy?"

"Nickname."

"Right." He rolled his broad shoulder; the movement looked like a wave of under his black sweater. "So, there are other guys in love with her."

"Too many to count and too many to put on your hit list compadre."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah sure."

"Are you the girl whose been beating Cullen senseless with a frying pan?"

"That'd be me." She said with a soft smile. "Also, if you haven't heard, I've got great aim. Just the other day when Ed-Stalker popped out from behind a tree I threw this text book at him and it got him in the nuts." She said with a smile...ah...that had been a good day. "I don't mean to brag but...I am good!"

The rest of the afternoon found Kaye telling Edward beating stories around a campfire with all the native boys watching and laughing in total hilarity.

Oddly, some of them _howled_.

* * *

-

"You stink."

"Well hello to you to." Kaye shut the door with a slam. She slid the lock in place with a loud sigh. _'Why is he here all the time?'_

"Because I'm protective of you, also, you never clean up after yourself. I was just about to clean the bathroom by the way."

The sight of Edward Cullen in a yellow with pink ruffled apron and a pink bandana with yellow stars would be ingrained into Kaye's mind forever.

"You are so my bitch." She said as Edward pulled on thick yellow rubber gloves and proceeded to walk into the bathroom with a spray bottle and a bucket filled with rags.

"Yes well, as crude as that is..." He started on the bathtub first. "I still want to know why you smell so bad."

"Do I really stink?" She sniffed under her arms. "I can't smell anything."

"That's because a human's senses can't pick it up." His head poked out the bathroom. "You smell like wet dog."

"What the fuck?"

"There's meatloaf in the oven. It'll be ready in a few minutes."

Kaye walked over to the refrigerator and rummaged for a canned tea.

"Hey _Stalker_?"

"Yes _darling_?" Edward head poked out of the bathroom again giving her a pointed glare. "Don't call me that."

"Did you go grocery shopping?"

"I did. Also, I picked up the dry cleaning, did some of the laundry by hand..." She pointedly blanched for lack of ability to blush-he must be talking about her panties and bras. "...returned your library books and paid the rent."

"And you...cooked."

"And I cooked."

Kaye shook her head is exasperation. _'What is with this guy?'_

"You are _sooo_ my bitch."

"Crude!"

"You're like, the perfect _wife_." Kaye said as she peeked into the stove. "Seriously. Meatloaf and..." she observed the other plates. "Mashed potatoes and gravy. String beans?"

He appeared right beside her in a flash no longer donning the gloves but still wearing the ridiculous apron and bandana. "Does this mean you love me?" He had a hopeful grin.

"No. It just means that you're my bitch."

"..."

"Oh don't look so disappointed. I haven't hit you yet! That should make you happy."

"I suppose." He shook his head. "The things I go through..."

"Yeah okay. You done with the bathroom?"

He nodded.

"Good. I'm gonna take a bath before dinner, brat." She said. "I'm beat and apparently...stinky."

"I already prepared the bath for you." Edward said handing her a folded towel and a small wash cloth. "Salt rocks are in already, lavender candles lit. Incense is burning and a tape of 90's romantic ballads is already in the CD player." He bowed slightly. "Enjoy."

"..." Kaye took the offered items awkwardly. "Wow...you are my bitch."

"Stop calling me that!"

"Ok fine...but, does this make you my wife? Are you even really a man?"

"Maybe..." There was an awkward silence for a moment before the timer in the kitchen dinged. Edward just shook his head, confusion set in his face. "I don't know anymore."

* * *

**- Intermission Time!**

**[**This is where I answer all your questions...oh that's right...no ones' reviewed this except Lila (the first reviewer), Anonymous (the second reviewer), 0lovely blossom0 (who reviewed 3 times) and Tinnael (who also reviewed)...**]**

That's four people who like this story-thanks awesome people who read my story!

**- Intermission time over!**

* * *

-

**Time Skip no Jutsu!**

**(Or what I'd like to call one month later)**

**-  
**

"My family is going to play a baseball game later today. Would you like to come?"

"Hell no! I know _this_ part there is no way...I _mean_ sorry sugar cakes. I promised uh...I promised _Jessica _and _Lauren _that I would be...shopping with them today."

"But you hate shopping, you hate Jessica and Lauren and you hate going out."

"Hate is a very strong word and besides...uh...I'm feeling adventurous today!"

"Why are you singing a Spice Girls song in your head? Are you trying to hide something from me? And did you call me _sugar cakes_? Does that mean you may _finally_ be succumbing to my courtship?"

"One, the Spice Girls were kick ass! Two, I am always trying to hide my thoughts from you and three...if it will allow you to leave me alone for today then sure, _why not_...**honey bunch**..."

Pacified Edward kissed her cheek; she had the sudden urge to wallop him across his grinning face with her Frying Pan of Death ™ -called Carlo, but held still. If she hit him now he might not leave or worse-he might kidnap her.

She hated when he did that!

"Now I'll see you tomorrow alright, _love_?" He had a stupidly hopeful face, the kind that a kicked puppy might give you. "You will be here tomorrow, right?"

"A promise from my black little heart, Sugar hips!" She felt her teeth rotting in her head. "See you tomorrow." She gave him a wink and he nearly swooned.

Once he was gone Kaye waited exactly seven minutes before calling Jake. The boy would be coming over to have a guys night out in which they would pig out, watch bad eighties horror movies and possibly prank call Mike.

"Sucker..."

With Edward _the pain in my ass_ Cullen gone she would be able to relax like a normal human being.

Plus she remembered from the movie that it was during a rainy baseball playing day that the three nomadic vampires showed up and caused a ruckus.

There was no way Kaye would put herself in that kind of danger willingly just to make fun of prancing baseball playing pixies no matter how tempting.

"Now...time to make the dip..."

* * *

-** (One day later)**

"You're cheating on me!"

"It's not cheating if we aren't together and last I checked we weren't. Plus, Jake's two years younger then me! There is no way that I would mess around with him he's just a friend you fucking crazy lunatic!"

**BAM!**

"Damnit Kaye! Why do you always have to resort to violence?"

**BAM!!**

"Don't curse at me you sparkling fruit! Who in the hell do you think you are to order me around and question me anyway? Do you think you're God?"

"I prefer to be called Edward thank you very much you conniving cheating jezebel!"

"What the shit did you just call me? Did you just call me a whore?"

**BAM!BAM!BAM!** (This was in rapid succession so you gotta read it fast to get into it.)

"**_Ow_**! Yes, yes I did! How could you do it?"

**BAM!!!**

"Damn it!"

**BAM!!!!** (the frying pan to the head)

**SMACK!!!!!** (toaster across the face)

**KICK!!!!!!** (To the dangly bits)

"How could you cheat on me with a werewolf of all things?!" (All said in squeaky high voice)

"..."

"Kaye, can you please put down the microwave? Not that it will cause serious damage to my head or anything, though it would hurt, the thing is...it was really expensive."

"..."

"Kaye?"

"He's a _what_ now?"

* * *

-

**Karin:Not as funny as previous chapters. It's hard work I tell you! Anyway, for those who want any more characters bashed then review please (smiles like an idiot) I really like reviews!**

**Anyway-just to answer, no Kaye is not falling for Edward. Her niceness to him isn't niceness at all. She's just getting used to him.**

(1) _(Note that before you get insulted I have lived, at one point, in both places and this is not in anyway to insult anyone who lives there)_

_(2) __(And yes this was a direct hit on the book because I've just tried to re read it for giggles and found that the Genesis 2:17 snippet was the best part of the book. Sorry Twilight fans.)_

_(3) __(It's an actual quote. He actually said it and apparently has been quoted saying worse about Twilight and Edward-whom he really doesn't like, I shit you not-)_

_(4) __(Because there's always a prologue in every twilight book that totally gives away the high point of what it is about take place...seriously...I think that the books could have done without them...but that's just me...)_

_(5) __I'm not any twilight team. Mikella is Kaye's team (I made up the name BTW). Why? Because she's friends with both. She knows Mike's feelings and is rooting for him to gain Bella's affections. I personally don't have a team and if I did it would be Team Human. Why? Because I think Bella(non my story Bella but the actual book and movie Bella) shouldn't be in a relationship until she's old enough and altruistic enough to appreciate a normal guy with faults...wow I think I just ranted._

**Review and No flames!**

**I update with reviews, sorry I just do!**


	5. Wackadoo

_And so the_ **Lion** (1) _fell in love with the _**Homicidal Munchkin cat **(2) _which caught the eye of the_ **Wolf** (3) _who was also in love with _**Lamb** (4) _who was, unknowingly only to herself, dating the_ **Golden Retriever** (5)

**[**We call this the_ 'Wackadoo _(6) _Love Pentagon'_**]**

**

* * *

  
**

-

The diner in which Kaye quietly sat was a common place for the hard working man and woman. Sometimes she would just sit in the back booth observing all the people coming in and out with a lack of actual interest while at other times she would give snippets here and there of her own accounts of her hard life.

At the moment she was sitting across Officer Swan and Michal Newton (Senior). Kaye and Officer Swan were having their usual late night dinners which was a normal sigh but for Mr. Newton, chomping down on food that, as he said_ 'I don't need that woman's cooking this is better anyway' _was here only because he'd been tossed from the house.

"So you're telling me that, you bought a vacuum cleaner for your wife on your **20th** anniversary?" Officer Swan had a look of amusement flitter over his face in lieu of disbelief. It seemed that Mr. Newton's blunders were a common place for the police chief who pat his back sympathetically.

"She was complaining about our old one."

"I'm surprised she didn't throw it at you." Kaye said as she laughed into her cup of black coffee. "You buy a woman flowers and woo her to make her remember why she fell in love with you. Right now, she must be wondering why she did in the first place."

"Kaye!"

"Sorry Charlie."

Mr. Newton had a look of indignation on his face. _He might put up a fight_, Kaye figured, _but probably not_. He looked all around defeated and tired. "Maybe."

"My couch is open." Officer Swan added in. "Bella makes great breakfast in the morning-if you're still hungry after this, there's leftovers in the fridge."

"She with Mike?"

"Yep." Officer Swan said. He pushed his plate of food away and leaned back against the cracked red plastic booth and turned his attention to Kaye to the relief of Mr. Newton. "So Kaye, what brings you here on a Friday night?"

"What, I can't enjoy your company? Does there have to be a reason I'm anywhere but at home?"

"Yep."

Before Kaye could say anything there was an annoyingly high pitched Jingle.

She fished into her pocket for her phone and stared at it for a fraction of a second before flipping it opened.

"What now?...no...dinner? I just had dinner...what do you mean you went all out?...I don't have to ask your permission to have dinner with the guys...No, Jacob Black isn't with me-he is not a pervert! I'm with Officer Swan and Mr. Newton. Yes, Mike's dad."

Mr. Newton looked smug, Officer Swan nudged him in the ribs and both men stared amusedly at the girl across them.

"Stop nagging all the time!...Oh so it's my fault you're an idiot?...no don't cry...damn it stop crying!...Fine!...I'll be there right now...yeah ok whatever...you want me to what?...no...**No**...I am _not _calling you that...fine... (_In small voice_) _sugar hips_..."

The phone snapped shut, a horrible flush brightened Kaye's pale cheeks as she shoved the bane of her existence into her pocket.

"So," Mr. Newton began. "Marriage troubles?"

"...I've gotta go otherwise I might just be bunking with Bella tonight." Kaye placed a twenty beside her plate and made her goodbyes as she slid out of the booth ignoring Mr. Newton's question all together. Before she was out of earshot she heard Officer Swan's voice call out to her a final time.

"Tell the _Missus _we say hello."

Then Mr. Newton added; "Apologize to _Edward _for us, for keeping you away."

The diner door shut with a slam as Kaye practically ran off but not before she shouted back at both men; "Go to hell!"

Which promptly sent both spiraling into laughter.

* * *

-

"Oh Kaye you're home!" Edward, now in his _usual_ attire of funny ruffled pink and yellow apron and bandana with pink and yellow stars, was standing by the door as Kaye entered. He had a pleased look on his face and his usual _I'm going to try to devour you only with your agreement that we marry first_ grin

He held out his hand for her coat and scarf which she grudgingly gave him without saying a word.

"I've had to put dinner away since you decided to eat with 'the guys"-doesn't it bother Bella and Mike that you are diner buddies with their fathers?"

She still said nothing, not a trace of emotion in her face as she pulled off her shoes. Edward continued speaking without notice.

"Leah Clearwater called; she said that she's gotten off punishment and that she is free for a Sunday fishing trip. Rosalie called and added that she would be delighted to take you out on Saturday with Alice for shopping."

Still not a word as she passed him and made her way to the bathroom, she washed her hands a bit too slowly staring at him through the mirror.

"You've got homework to finish also-Bella came by and left you some books she told me to tell you that she and Mike were going to the movies in town and wanted you to go along."

Kaye passed him and made her way to the kitchen. He was standing behind her now, still speaking. "Also, my mother wants us to go over for dinner on Wednesday."

**BAM!**

The frying pan made a nice hollow sound against Edward's face. He fell to the floor due to the assault.

**BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!** (Rapid succession)

"What the hell gives you the right to call me every forty-five minutes like you're my damn wife?"

"Well if you...**ow**...told me where you were going and what you were doing I wouldn't be so worried. I've stopped following you. Isn't that enough?"

**BAM!!**

"No!"

**BAM!!!**

"Stop hitting me with that frying pan, you're going to break it!"

**BAM!!!!**

"Good!"

The frying pan fell out of her hands. Kaye felt her palm and fingers tingling from the hard hits and smiled with satisfaction finally attained. The humiliation from his earlier call forgotten she bypassed the writhing ball of Edward and sat on her lazy boy.

"Did you record the game, _Stalker_?"

"I did. The tape is in the VCR."

She turned on the TV and pressed the play button on the VCR. She leaned back and sighed happily as the football game came into view.

"Hey Eddie, get me a beer would ya?"

It was in her hands before she had time to turn around. Behind her Edward soothed his aching cracked face as it began to heal. Kaye could have sworn she saw him 'crying' which to anyone else looked like heavy breathing with a pinch of brood. "The things I do for love."

"Now this is what I call a _good_ day."

* * *

-

"So Cullen is like, your boyfriend?"

An odd sense of déjà vu hit Kaye in the face.

_'Are you and Edward Cullen a couple?'_

Oh yeah, Bella had asked something similar in chapter **2**.

"No. Hell no."

"Then why is he living with you?" Jake asked tossing another rock into the water. He'd been trying to teach Kaye how to skip rocks, a game he called it.

Which ended up with a very angry and annoyed Kaye.

"Fuck this game!" She had shouted.

She rubbed the back of her neck a bit nervously. The last time she and Jake had been hanging out it had been with Bella and Mike to the movies. Both boys sat with Bella between them, both hands on the armrests facing up hoping to hold Bella's hand.

Bella-sweet Belle-Buggy-hadn't held anyone's hand.

"He's there every time I call and word around town is that he's your 'wife'?" He shrugged. "I dunno what's going on between you two."

"Nothing's going on." Kaye looked up at him, her eyes instantly lighting up as they caught his smile. "Seriously there is nothing going on between Edward Cullen and me."

"Good," Jake said. "Because he's bad news anyway. His whole family is."

"Ah, now you're going to regal me with Quileute myths."

"I was but I can see it's not really wanted." He grinned. "not like I can tell you much more then what you know anyway, even if I wanted to."

_Ah_, Kaye thought, _that pivotal part of the second movie where Jacob makes Bella remember the myth about his people...a dramatic scene that was totally sullied with Taylor Lautner's pectorals of doom ™._

"You _werewolves _are so weird." It was out of her mouth before she had time to stop herself after which she thought, _'too much?'_ which was obviously the case.

Kaye hadn't wanted to get involved in the plot of this story any more then what she was. She didn't want to talk about imprinting _(her friend Christy couldn't stop complaining about in back in the real world), _nor did want to ever see Jake's _furry little problem_.

Currently Jake was doing a great impression of a fish out of water, his black eyes tiny little dots as the world seemed to fade around him. He was shaking violently and Kaye made herself inch away just a bit-if by a bit you mean several feet behind him.

_'Great...he's going to turn into a giant dog wolf thing and here I am, all by my lonesome and when I need my stupid stalker wife he isn't even here. There is irony somewhere in this but I can't place it.'_

"What did you say?"

"Join Russia, da?!" (7)

"..." Twitch.

"Your breasts belong to Korea?" (8)

"..." Twitch. Spasm.

"Pasta?" (9)

"..." Twitch. Spasm. Twitch.

"...Uugu...?" (10)

The violent shaking stopped but the deer in the headlights look stayed in his expression. He pivoted, looking straight at her. "No...No, no. You said _werewolves_. You called _me _a werewolf." He rubbed his chin. "How did you know?"

"Wow! Jake you're a werewolf? This is the _first_ I've ever heard about it!" She said over enthusiastically. "Man I an so terrified of you and so shocked by this piece of information that I am going to go _home_ and think about it, right now!" She ran up ahead. "See you!"

"Hey wait! Get back here!"

"What I can't hear you! The wind is too loud!"

"Damn it Kaye!"

* * *

-

**One week and an excitable Edward later-**

"What has you so happy?"

"We're on a double date and you haven't been parading around the beach with that dog for a week."

"This isn't a date. My friends, who happen to be dating, invited you along since you seem to forever be anywhere I am. As for not being around Jake? We're busy people." Kaye looked back towards the movie screen. In the back of her mind she was killing Mike for inviting Edward with them to the movies. Already the vampire had been trying to hold her hand or put his arm around her shoulders and the movie hadn't even started yet.

"Going out with friends who happen to be dating like this means that this is a double date." Edward said with a knowing tone. "And about Jacob...does this mean you've stopped cheating on me?"

**BAM!** (Frying pan lands its hit in a place that isn't Edward's head.)

"You know Kaye maybe, you shouldn't have hit him in the balls with your frying pan." Mike gave his opinion. His legs were closed closely together and his face twisted in pity at the sight of a writhing Edward who had collapsed to the ground. "Why the hell did you bring a frying pan into the theater anyway?"

Bella, who was sitting at Mike's other side, tapped his shoulder and leaned in close to his ear. "Mike, you're better just not giving out any sort of opinion or asking any questions. This is Kaye. Kaye is insane. That's all you need to know."

The previews rolled to a close and now the movie had started. Edward had collected himself enough to crawl into the chair as Kaye polished her frying pan. Mike help Bella's hand tightly in his.

"But where did the frying pan come from is what I want to know. She didn't bring a purse. It's like she pulled it from thin air."

Bella shrugged.

"Magic." (11)

* * *

-

**Karin: Not as great but I got to show off more Wife Edward. I know it's weird that Kaye knows Charlie and Mr. Newton so much as calling them "the guys". I sum it up to this, Mike and Bella are dating. Since Kaye gets along with Charlie she has dinner with him at the diner every so often and has met Mr. Newton. Kaye has a 'one of the guys' mentality and they humor her.**

**Her commiseration is about Edward. She was trying to get away from him. Edward bought her a cell phone to keep track of her. (do not be shocked to find that he tracks her every move with it either)**

**Kaye and Jake are friends at the moment but may turn into something a little bit more-not surpassing a crush since Kaye wouldn't go as low as to date someone she deems a child. She enjoys looking at him and he thinks she's hilarious.**

**Edward is obviously jealous of their friendship which is why he was practically glowing in the last scene before Kaye knocked him in the nuts with frying pan. He was happy since Kaye was avoiding Jake and probably vise versa.**

**This chapter is cut in half. The later half will be updated probably later today or tomorrow-why? I've got to leave the house to go to my nieces birthday party so I wont be home for a while. I've been cutting it close writing this. The second portion will deal with the Love Pentagon mentioned earlier and introduces characters like Alice, Leah and Sam.**

**Joy.**

**This was intended to be a one shot parody but has written itself as a full on multi-chaptered story. I feel that I should come up with an actual conclusion in which pairings should be established...damn it.**

(1) Edward is the Lion with wife like qualities obviously.

(2) Kaye is the Munchkin Cat with homicidal tendencies...look up the Munchkin Cat it'll come up on Wikipedia...she's the kitten. They're so tiny (Kaye is short) and fluffy (Kaye's hair does not do with humidity so it looks a little puffy) and they're unassumingly evil-or at least Kaye is.

(3) Jacob is a Werewolf.

(4) Bella is the Lamb...obviously.

(5) Kaye called Mike a puppy. In her mind he's a Golden Retriever...it makes so much sense.

(6) Wackadoo is a person beyond crazy in this case everyone has succumbed to being Wackadoos-you know...

(7) "Join Russia, da?" is Russia's catch phrase from Hetalia Axis Powers.

(8) "Your breasts belong to Korea!" Is (probably) Korea's catch phrase in the Hetalia Axis Powers manga only.

(9) "Pasta!" Is Italy's catch phrase from the Hetalia Axis Powers.

(10) "Uggu." is Ayu's catch phrase from the anime Kanon.

(11) "Magic." Is light homage to _Harry Potter and the Real Girl_, the story in which Kaye originated-the serious flip side to this one in which Kaye-who is not a fan of Harry Potter series- falls into the world of Harry Potter gets to befriend the characters, gets kidnapped by Death Eaters all while trying to get home. It's sort of like this one where it depends on reviews to be updated only _Harry potter and the Real Girl_ is an interactive story in which the readers determine the pairings and the fates of certain characters.

* * *

Character Bio number 1:

Katarina Merope Winchester.

(Her middle name has no value to this story but a major importance to _Harry Potter and the Real Girl_...yes this is shameless promotion on my part!)

Age: 17 in the Real World, 18 in the Twilight world

-since in the real world it was late May and in the Twilight world it is around early March-technically Kaye's birthday has already passed since there is a ten month time gap. Kaye's birthday is February 14th-

Favorite food: Coffee, tomato (just the tomato), hamburgers, any kind of Thai food and meatloaf.

Favorite color: Orange

Favorite Book: Bram Stoker's Dracula

Personality: Brash, vulgar, mischievous and ill tempered. She loves coffee, loves to smoke and drink (sometimes) and adores her extensive book collection (back home). She has only ever had one boyfriend named Byron Jinks her neighbor since forever. The relationship dwindled when Kaye caught Byron in bed with her best friend Molly. Often she refers to Byron as a Harry Potter look alike since he was knobby before puberty and that he has jet black hair, sparkling green eyes and wears glasses sometimes.

Despite her rough attitude Kaye is actually very shy and insecure about her looks. This may be why she reacts so violently to people coming into her personal space-since she has always been very short (five foot inches tall on the dot), always had thick brown hair. She feels normal and invisible most of the time but sometimes her big breasts make her feel that she stands out. Another reason why she reacted so violently to Edward when he saw her topless-she hates her breasts.

Unlike the story _Harry Potter and the Real Girl_ you get to see Kaye's interest more. Kaye is an avid anime and manga fan. She enjoys K-on Gender bend, her favorite anime is Hetalia and she enjoys Key animation's works. Her frying pan is homage to Hetalia's Hungary character that uses a frying pan as a weapon. Kaye's underwear in chapter one has England's face on the front and it could be said that her personality is a mixture of South Italy and Spain as she is violent and rash but cannot read the atmosphere at all. Her relationship with Edward is also homage to Hetalia's South Italy and Spain. As South Italy violently reacts to Spain who loves him and mothers him no matter what. Spain is Edward in this situation and Kaye is South Italy.

Bella, Mike and Jacob seem to be her only friends. This is due to the fact that Kaye is very shy and doesn't like to surround herself with a lot of people. She also secretly dreams of creating her own Bad Touch Trio like Hetalia's France, Spain and Prussia. This will comically come up in later chapters...

**_More character profiles coming soon!_**

**_Read. Review. Don't flame. I eat reviews in order to update quickly!_**


	6. Love Triangles are so last year!

_Love Triangles are so last year!_

**[**Part 2 to Wackadoo**]**

Wow...that totally rhymed!

* * *

-

**Because I think there should be another prologue...can you even call these prologues anymore? They didn't even start at the beginning of the story? Oh wait...yeah sorry for the babbling go on!**

* * *

-

Cold hands slid down the smooth expansion of a lily white back tracing the slight curve of shoulder blade with careful ministration.

"Right there brat. That's where it hurts."

"Well," Edward kneaded the area with a bit more pressure still being as careful as he could as he leaned forward; he was seated on Kaye's back side as the girl beneath him purred. "It wouldn't hurt if you had not been walking backwards."

"Well how was I supposed to know that pole was there?"

"By not walking backwards."

"Whatever, slave. I demand less talky more rubbing." Her nose scrunched in indignation.

"That has sexual undertones."

"Only if you take it there and I swear to all that is good, decent and caffeine in this world that I will **end you i**f you even so much as try." She let out a puff of air. "Ow...damn it. That is the last time I walk backwards and talk at the same time. No good can ever come of that."

Edward chuckled as he continued the massage. The girl was something else, he had to admit, and he wondered why he still stuck around. She was violent, she was crude and messy. She had no appreciation for what he did for her or his feelings.

Yes, he admitted, sometimes he did come on strong. But he had stopped following her.

"Hey Eddie?"

"Yes Kaye?"

"I know this is gonna sound really weird and all, and I know I shouldn't listen to anything Mike says because he's completely stupid sometimes but...do you think I've put on a little weight?"

There was an awkward silence and then _nothing_. Kaye felt no weight on her persons whatsoever. She lifted her head and angled it so that she could get a partial view behind her to find no Ed-Stalker. "Brat?"

She sat up, holding a pillow to her chest. The apartment was fairly small; he was no where in sight.

"Stalker?"

She made her way to the bathroom. He wasn't there although for some odd reason the toilet seat was up.

_'Can he even use the bathroom?'_

She made her way back to her bed where she noted, the window was opened and the curtains were blowing in the breeze in a very creepy cliché action. She sat on her bed and poked her stomach. A little soft, not too bad but her stomach was definitely not as hard as it was before.

"Huh...no wonder the idiot left. It was either tell the truth and get hit or flee. Finally those self preservation instincts kicked in and all this time I thought he was slow." She flopped back onto her bed, her back aching almost immediately. "Damn it! My back hurts!"

- **END PROLOGUE-**

**

* * *

  
**

**-**

Bella was banging her head against the table top.

It was all that she could keep from doing, to not kill herself just to hide. Prom was fast approaching and Mike had gotten the idea to invite _her_ of all people. No matter how many times she had said no he seemed to brush it off with a smile-not say anything for a few days and then;

"Bella, go to prom with me."

"...how'd you get in my house?"

He would smile bashfully, just like right now and Charlie would look down at his newspaper guiltily trying to ignore the piercing gaze from his daughter. Something inside of him praying that she never gained laser vision.

"So Bella, what do you say?"

"Uh..."Bella wondered in the back of her mind, if Kaye was going through anything like this. Then she remembered that Kaye was being stalked by Edward Cullen. What Mike was doing was probably child's play.

-

"Ok seriously. I'm in the bathtub, I'm winding down from a long idiot (that means you Edward) filled day and I'm listening to my music...why the hell are you doing a repeat of chapter _3_?"

"Prom's coming up." He stuck two fingers in the bath automatically sending the steaming water into slightly chilled. Kaye splashed his face with sudsy water and giggled.

"and...?" She teased.

"I want to go."

"Then go." She didn't skip a beat.

Her inner voice, which sounded suspiciously like Belle-Buggy, noted that she was becoming far too comfortable being naked around someone who wasn't Byron-who had, before Edward, been the only person to ever seen her naked. She pushed the thought aside. Edward might as well be labeled a woman.

The views he had, the general bashfulness of the 'adult' world and his motherly instincts. All of these things about him made it alright to be naked around. He wouldn't look at her if he didn't have to. Something in her clenched painfully. For all the easiness of this _book_ world, for all the glamour placed upon being a vampire-the _general_ tragedy remained.

Edward would never know what it means to be a man, even if he lived until forever. Something's you learn as the body ages and his would never change. Growing old and decrepit never seemed like much of a good thing but now that she was seeing something like this, now that she saw him and his siblings something in her ached because no matter the glamour they were given they would never be anything more then children

Forever.

What kind of _crack_ was the author on when she began this story? None of this was beautiful, enviable or lovely. It was _tragic_, it was _sick_ and _demeaning_. It was also as close to an Ann Rice novel as one could get...only really watered down and a lot less good in fact, from what Christy had said, the Twilight series had sucked-_hard_.

It was still sad though. Of course it was.

_'And why the hell are you analyzing everything you wackadoo?'_

Edward leaned back, his hands resting firmly on the pink tile behind him his long legs lying straight, his left foot nervously swaying. Edward threw his head back, his bronze colored eyes focusing on the vent.

_'He said he used to have green eyes like his mom.'_

"You're becoming rather empathic." He said. "You sympathize with what I am." He grinned. "I think I love you more-I think I'm wearing you down too."

"Shut up, brat. You'll never wear me down-and stop reading my mind you brain rapist." She growled. Sometimes she would be nice to him and sympathize with him and even try to treat him a little better...

...and he always screwed it up by opening his mouth and letting the narcissism and stupidity seep from his lips. It was during times like these that she wished she could kill him without feeling guilty, you know. Human life and all that-even if he wasn't technically human and already sort of dead.

"Have you said everything that you wanted to say? Yeah? Good." She sighed heavily, lying back against the tub. "You want mommy's permission to go to the dance? I set you free. You can even have a date. Jessica probably wouldn't mind that you have zero personality. I mean hers in the negatives. You might actually be good company to someone for once."

"You never disappoint," He laughed. "I was actually inquiring about your plans on the day of."

"No way in hell bitch face."

He was still laughing and by the look in his eyes, it seemed like something finally occurred to him. Kaye would rather die then admit that his laughter sounded pleasant. _'Stupid dazzle powers.'_

"You know, Katarina, you make it sound as though you _have_ a choice."

"...are you implying something? I think you are and I think you're wrong."

"Kaye, you are going to prom with me, you will dance and you will have a splendid time. Why must you be so difficult?"

"...excuse me?"

* * *

-

Edward hadn't seen frying pan coming and it took him an indefinite amount of time to actually understand why his head was in the bathtub when he came to. It wasn't as though he could pass out, he couldn't sleep but the blow to the side of his face sent him spiraling into something similar to unconsciousness.

On the counter by the sink he found white jagged pieces that seemed to move the closer he got. He brought his hand up to the side of his face finding jagged marks.

"At least she picked up the pieces..." he thought as he reattached the shards to his face grimacing from the burn as they began to heal. "Now...where did she go?"

He stumbled out of the bathroom, grasping the doorframe as he slightly wobbled. Kaye had put all of her strength into that swing and boy did she pack a wallop when she was angry!

"Kaye?"

Nothing.

"Kaye, I'm sorry for threatening to kidnap you, again. I promise that if you accompany me to prom I will leave you alone for a week."

Still not a word.

"Kaye?"

What caught his attention immediately was the note. Of course this was after he had scaled the city and found no trace of her three hours later that he did find it. It was a regular rectangular piece of paper stuck to the refrigerator.

It seemed to make him believe that he was in a nightmare that maybe, somehow Kaye had killed him and now he had descended to hell.

**[**Brat,

Don't touch my stuff while I'm gone. Don't call me either and don't track me. Yeah, you didn't think I'd figure that out about the phone huh? Whatever, I forgive you. Wanna know why? Because you're gonna be a good little boy and leave me the hell alone until I get back. Anyway, I'm leaving town, won't be back till the day after prom.

And don't think you can weasel it out of Belle-Buggy. She's gone too.

_Au revoir _Glitterpire!

-The Awesome Kaye**]**

"..."

About three things Edward was absolutely positive.

First, Kaye had given him the slip.

Second, there was a part of him- and he didn't know how dominant that part might be- that was seriously considering stomping his foot like an impertinent child.

And third, he was unconditionally and irrevocably certain that without him, somehow someway there would be trouble.

Why, you may ask?

Well the answer Edward would give would be a simple one, an explanation that would leave you too filled a bit with worry for you see: Isabella Swan and Katarina Winchester alone-on a road trip (the most likely conclusion) - alone.

So you see his irritation.

_'But wait, Kaye wasn't an idiot. They had probably taken Mike along with them.'_

They would be alright then.

But there was bound to be some sort of trouble or...or...

_'what if she meets some man and he takes advantage of her? What if he takes her innocence with out her permission? Doesn't she know that it is reserved for my taking after she and I are wed?' _Of course he hadn't gotten around to asking for Kaye's hand but he was working his way there, he really was.

His world turned some odd opaque color that he didn't recognize.

He almost felt his heart beat-which considering Edward himself, was probably impossible. Most likely just metaphorical-no feeling actually attached to his **heart** but to his "_heart_".

Sometimes he could be so silly and dramatic. One thing about him that no one really knew was that Edward was rather easily distracted. At the moment he began thinking about his heart and about his internal organs.

Aren't they rotted inside him? Wouldn't that mean that every time he opened his mouth then the smell would seep out of him?

He was brought back from his musings when he looked back at the slip of paper in his hands. Something screamed at him, dramatically again, that something bad was going to happen in the form of...

_'What if she's with **Jacob Black**?!?'_

He fell to his knees and let out a blood curdling (dramatic) scream.

* * *

-

Sam Uley had just gotten off patrol. Emily was already asleep so he had to be extra quiet when entering the house. He slipped the screen door opened with ease, sliding it back with a low sigh. He meandered through the kitchen, walking carefully around the table.

Perfect silence.

He made his way to the stairs, carefully taking one at a time. He winced some of the steps lightly creaked, but the noise wasn't enough to wake her up.

_'So far so good.'_

He made it to the landing and from where he stood he could see the bedroom door was opened. The bed where Emily slept peacefully and suddenly Sam felt so exhausted.

He tiptoed towards the door, the hall never seemed so long before but then Sam had always thought this on any night he returned from patrol. He tried his hardest not to look at any of the pictures of Emily's family finding that most had Emily and Leah together.

He still felt incredibly guilty about that.

Once inside the room he tried to deaden the sounds of his steps as he made his way around the bed. Emily could be angry all she wanted in the morning. He wasn't going to remove his shorts if his life depended on it that would take up too much energy.

Lifting the sheets carefully Sam eased himself on the bed. In his sitting position he let out a sigh of relief, Emily hadn't woken up; the hardest part would be to get comfortable-

And then there was a scream coming from the distance a whisper in the wind coming in through the opened window.

"Sam?"

Whisper or not, it was enough to wake up Emily.

"...damn it..."

* * *

-

Leah Clearwater was nineteen years old, newly single (don't remind her of it or she'll kill you), was incredibly beautiful (don't say that to her either she hates that) and just as snarky as Kaye on a good day-which meant she was permanently in a foul mood.

"Tell me again why I am even talking to you?"

"Well, I offered to buy lunch."

"Yeah?"

"And I promised to get you off the rez so I took you away from Sam."

"And?"

"I need someone to help me drag my brother back to the house and also, someone who has no qualms keeping his mouth shut with violence."

And like Kaye, Leah loved hurting annoyingly serene pretty people particularly Edward Cullen whom she had the displeasure of meeting the month before. It went a little something like this:

"Leech."

"Bitch."

**PUNCH!**

And Edward was left a pile of pain on the ground of the meadow, a perfect spidery crack to his marble white face. Sure he knew it was bad to make fun of someone and honestly he hadn't. It occurred to Leah later that he was calling her by what she was.

A female dog.

"So will you help me?"

Meeting Alice Whitlock (Leah refused to call her by the doctors name stating that it was weird since she was married) had been a little less violent and a lot more annoying.

It was during one of the rare moments that I accompanied Jacob on his little rendezvous with the Swan girl or rather the _oblivious to Jacob's feelings _Swan girl. She was seated in her living room as her blond boyfriend glared daggers at Jacob.

And Jacob had been doing quite the impression of a wet cat.

Kaye, who was trying her best to take Mike's attention away from Jacob (though Leah wasn't that stupid and realized that Kaye had spent a significant amount of time looking at Jacob too-and not the glaring kind of look) she had deposited herself onto the couch and began to watch the big screen ignoring the ostentatious amount of unrequited love in the room-of which all they needed was the other Cullen and then it would be a party.

It would then become the Wackadoo Love Pentagon (haha chapter name!)

All this staring longingly and glaring with murderous intention had been wearing her down. Jacob had apparently had enough and excused himself. From what Leah knew Jacob had gone through the most change out of anyone there. Apparently, apart from becoming a giant wolf he had lost the girl he'd been in love with since he was a kid to a normal guy and it just bugged him, which he voiced quite often.

To that Leah would tell him to suck it up and then add "well think of it this way at least it isn't with a bloodsucker."

When Kaye had heard that at one time or another she had doubled over in laughter calling the whole thing _incredibly ironic_. Even if no on understood why, they laughed with her.

Once Jacob was outside Leah began to look at him too-not that she would ever admit to anyone but, as soon as Jacob had come into the wolf and had cut his hair-all that was left was a pony tail that Kaye had immediately stolen- Leah had to admit that he was very good looking-for a kid.

Just as she was about to get off the couch to follow she caught the scent of leech and what she saw made her blood grow cold, it made Kaye tsk in annoyance and made Mike laugh into his cup.

"Jakey!"

Running small feet, voice like bells and then.

"**_Gya_**!" She had jumped clear onto Jacob's back, her white little arms wrapped around his neck in a hug.

"I knew it was you!"

"G-get off me!" He threw her off gently and she landed on her feet with ease. A smile on her pink lips and a glimmer in her bronze colored eyes.

"Aw you threw me away! Jakey's thrown me away!" She shouted in overly drawn whine.

"Can't you ever have a normal entrance that doesn't have you attacking people?"

"I didn't attack anyone."

"Sure, sure. You only just said 'I knew it was you' meaning you weren't entirely sure."

As the two clambered into the house talking a mile a minute Leah had the sudden feeling of jealousy pool in her belly. It didn't take a rocket scientist to see that Kaye was feeling the same thing and worse was that the Swan girl noticed and seemed amused.

"So, Jake, are you going to introduce your **_friend_**." Leah hadn't questioned it and later, after the tiny leech had gone Mike would pull her aside and explain that it was almost in the exact fashion that he and Mike had met.

"This is Alice. Ran into her before, you know..." He looked Leah in the eyes and she caught his meaning. Right, before the wolf. "She's a friend of Kaye's and Bells and the sister to Kaye's _wife_."

"Bite me Jake." This of course was a week before Kaye had admitted to knowing the truth after which she avoided the wolf like the plague.

"It's nice to meet you!"

* * *

-

"So are you in for some Edward bashing?" Alice asked sweetly. Her smile was unnerving as it was pretty.

"Sure, when do I start?" Leah wolfed down the rest of her meal. "Where is he?"

"Kaye's apartment." The tiny leech answered. "Oh and how's Jakey? He hasn't called in two days and I'm a little worried."

"_Jacob_ is fine." Leah slammed a few bills onto the table and strolled out of the dinner with the tiny leech following. It occurred to Leah that the _Wackadoo Love Pentagon_ had evolved into something else.

_The Heptagon Cluster Fuck of Love_...

* * *

-

**BAM!**

"Did you have to hit him with that frying pan so hard?"

"What? You called me to bring him back to your place even if I had to do it with violence. I figure, this way he'd be more willing since I'm pretty sure kicking his ass might almost kill him."

"Oh the phasing and the wolfy strength, I get it."

"Get his legs would you Alice."

"Like this?"

"Yeah...wow he's passed out."

"No way he can't be. He must be playing dead."

"One way to find out."

**BAM!BAM!BAM!**

"...will you stop hitting me? Only when Kaye hits me is it acceptable and I think I taste blood..."

"You're awake?"

"Isn't that obvious. Now, wolf girl, you know Kaye you know Isabella. Tell me where they are?"

"Edward, brother, can you please let it drop. She's fine."

"Yeah Leech, they're with Jacob."

"**WHAT**? She's _cheating_ on me agai-"

**CRASH!**

"Leah...you broke the microwave on my brother's head."

"Eh, he'll get over it. Now...I say you wait down stairs and I throw him out the window before he gains his bearings. We'll toss him in the trunk."

"...you're evil."

"I prefer to be called Leah, but that's ok too."

"..."

* * *

-

"Sam did you hear that? It sounded like a woman screaming."

"I did."

"Is it far away?"

"It sounds like it. Something tells me that Leah might be involved."

"Oh?"

"I pity the poor man she is inflicting her violence against."

"Sam!"

"What? You act like you don't even know her."

There was an awkward silence as Emily began dinner and Sam prepared himself for a lengthy meeting, probably without Leah.

* * *

-

**Karin: Not as funny, I just needed to introduce more people. Anyway, to make up for the dramatics earlier in this chapter I added epic Edward violence and a toss out the window. Leah would do it and Alice would participate. What is up with Jakey and Alice? Absolutely nothing they're friends but Leah and Kaye (a little bit) don't see it that way, it seems. Alice's introduction with Jacob was homage to Kanon-this is the way at one point, Ayu inflicts herself upon Yuichi. And endearing scene if you've seen it and if you have you'd be able to understand why Leah and Kaye (to a degree) were jealous.**

**This is why it is now The Heptagon Cluster Fuck of Love-only bad things can come of this and then there is Jasper too, if you think about it.**

**So it might change to an _octagon_...? I don't know.**

**Ok time for another Character Bio and keep in mind they are very different from the actual book guys as in these people are...well more likable and less dependant on their loved ones so now that have an actual personality –cought_Bella_cough.**

* * *

-

Character bio 2

Name: Isabella

Age: 17

Favorite color: varies as she generally likes earth tones like browns and greens so it's never very consistent.

Favorite food: Just about everything except things with coconut. The taste is fine just not the consistency (yes just like Tennessee from Zombieland)

Favorite book: Either Wuthering Heights or Pride and Prejudice. Both hold equal value and love to her.

Personality: Shy, quiet, introverted, ill tempered and incredibly dense. Dangerously clumsy and endearingly sincere, Bella is the definition of the "regular girl" and like Kaye dislikes social outings, large groups and all around girly things. Beautiful in a _not in your face_ way she has many suitors-however she doesn't seem to take notice of any of them. She is dating Mike Newton even though she has yet to realize and sometimes she finds herself inserting her foot in her mouth because she has a tendency to say things before thinking them through. Additionally, Bella doesn't seem to read the atmosphere-like Kaye. It is not that she cannot read the atmosphere it's just that she doesn't bother with it.

She has the ability to bully and frighten anyone into doing whatever she wants (which will come up in later chapters comically). Her _character tweak_ in this story is homage to Russia from Hetalia-which also has this ability. Her lack of interest reading the atmosphere is homage to America from Hetalia . Both these Hetalia-isms actually goes well with her as in she is at constant odds with herself all of the time like her **origina**l character in the _actual_ book series Twilight. She finds herself becoming a stronger person due to the people and influences around her. Surprisingly she finds herself disliking Edward the more she gets to know him. Her personal opinion being that_ the only kind of girl who would willingly put up with him and be his girlfriend would be the type to lie down and do whatever the master says without original thought of her own and a severe lack of personality._ This is a bite against the original Bella from the actual Twilight series.

_**More Character Bio's coming soon!**_

**Read.**

_**Review.**_

_**Do not flame.**_

**Review's make me update faster guys so keep that in mind...even if this was a lousy chapter.**


	7. Edward and the Con Capers!

**The Road Trip of Infinite Doom**

**[**Or what I call "Jacob hates road maps"**]**

But really, if you've been on a road trip with a guy more then half of the time he may or may not be able to read the map or want to. You get lost you get a flat on the road to nowhere. Bada bing Bada boom.

* * *

-

A quote that happened in real life...I am not kidding.

_"Sarah, by any chance do you're parents happen to live in Daytona?"_

_"No Ricky. No they don't, they live in Orlando...Karin...I think you should bring out the map."_

_"We don't need a map. I am the map-Karin, put the map away!"_

_"Ricky, I know that while driving violence is definitely a strict no so don't get scared but, um, are we in Daytona?"_

_"We might be, I'm not to sure. Everything in the area looks Daytona like, oh wait, there's a sign...we aren't in Daytona."_

_"Good, because I was going to say-my parents are expecting us in about two hours."_

_"...yeah well you might want to give 'em a call Salamander because..."_

_"Where are we Ricky?"_

_"Panama City."_

_"Damn it, Rick!"_

_"oops?"_

* * *

-

They had borrowed the Cullen's SUV, a navy blue number that just shouted "Soccer Mom". It belonged to, of all people Jasper Whitlock. The Chrysler was comfortable with just three people. Ample amounts of space enough for Kaye to lay all the way in the back seat by herself, splayed over it asleep while in the seat in front of her, Bella read a Wuthering Heights for what was probably the umpteenth time in the current month.

Jacob, who had taken it upon himself to drive the girls to their destination, was hunched over the wheel in apparent exasperation. The only music in the car was classical music which he refused to listen to. The only sounds filling the van were the slight snores of Kaye and the flip of a page every twenty seconds.

**Snore**.

_Flip_.

**Snore**. _Yawn_.

_Flip_. _Flip_.

To say that the young werewolf was on the verge of tearing his hair out was an understatement. They'd been on the road for hours, neither of the girls willing to relinquish their comfortable spots for taking over the wheel, oh no. Jake had not only hailed their bags in and begged Sam so that he could accompany him.

He was also lost, so incredibly utterly lost. One would think that with his general know how attitude that he would have at least looked at the map for assistance.

But he wouldn't, he couldn't on some weird point of principal. The map was a last resort that he did not want to use for one. For another, it seemed to be mocking him saying **"I have infinite knowledge pup, revere me as I save your worthless flea ridden hide by giving you directions that you should have known anyway, fool."**

The map seemed a lot meaner in his head. It kind of sounded like Leah.

"Are we there yet?"

"No Bella-we are not there yet."

_Flip_.

"Hey Bells, you wanna talk? I think I'm going crazy from all the silence." Yeah, maybe if there was some sort of conversation that he could blame later for being lost then he would be able to avoid the map. Maybe they might get lucky, he might just find the right turn and get them back on the gold path to Bremerton, where they should be headed in the first place.

"Okay, I'll start."

"Shoot."

"We just passed a sign."

Something in him shouted gratefully. He would ask her what it said in a joking fashion that way it wouldn't look too suspicious.

_'Go on Jake!'_

"Oh yeah? What'd it say?" He asked with a grin only to be met with cold silence. He looked into the rear view for a second and hastily looked back to the road in terror at the expression on Bella's face.

"We're in Oregon Jake. _Oregon_."

"Uh...I'll just mosey this baby around and-"

But a cool hand firmly grasped his shoulder. It was cold which was strange. Bella was usually very warm. It didn't occur to him that he might be just a little bit more then in trouble with her. Bella hadn't ever been too angry at him before.

"Take out the map Jake. We'll find ourselves a hotel to rest in tonight."

"Look I don't need the map."

He chanced another look again and felt himself grow cold automatically. He reached for the map in less then a second and was peering for directions. Be damned that the map was mocking him.

The look on Bella's face was...he didn't know. She was smiling kindly like normal but there had been a shadow over her eyes, the color in the normal brown had almost been glowing and the sound that came from her mouth-he barely caught it if at all at this point he might have been hallucinating...the silent death threats...

It took another twenty minutes to reach a hotel. By then it was near eleven pm. Bella shook Kaye awake who sat up groggily. "W're 're we?" She mumbled.

"Hotel. Come one."

Kaye would ask later why Jacob was shaking so uncontrollably. She would be further confused after Bella handed her a comic book-only to explain that "I learned a lot about Russia."

* * *

-

Time Skip to After the Prom!

[**The Road Trip was the prologue thing...yet again...**]

The name of the chapter is actually called:

**Edward and the Con Capers!**

- WARNING: COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF COSPLAY, ANIME-NERDISM'S, CROSS-DRESSING, EDWARD'S LOLI-SHOTA FETISH AND SETH CLEARWATER JOINS THE SOS BRIGADE ER-I MEAN THE _STORY_. THE _STORY _IS WHAT I MEANT!-

* * *

-

They called it Sakura-Con. Only in Kaye's dreams had she ever envisioned something as wonderful as this-after all, the only conventions she had ever been to, had to do with cars and really, her dad was the only one who cared for it. No, Kaye would be lying. She did go to Mega-con one year, had met Edward Elric's VA and had glmoped a Kyon cosplayer until he cried.

But that was only once when she was fifteen. As an avid, although secret lover, of anime and manga Kaye had decided to go to Sakura-con and take her friends with her.

"Hello_ooo_!" She greeted loudly, a flourish of her hand and a jump in her step. The gym room where the basket ball team had been practicing had become silent. Mike felt himself shrink back. Something was going to happen something that involved him something embarrassing.

How did he know this?

Well, it wasn't every day that Kaye and strolled into the gym voluntarily. It wasn't every day that she greeted all the boys whose eyes she knew seemed to zone in on her chest.

Because he knew Kaye.

A happy Kaye was a dangerous Kaye.

A Kaye _without_ Edward stalking her meant something bad. Either she had killed him or had frightened him so much he had decided to run away.

"Mike!"

"What?"

"We're going to Sakura-Con!"

"Sa-what?"

He later found himself in the Cullen household, a freezing frozen glass like modernistic palace. Everything was cold here including the inhabitants and it began to dawn on him that there was something very wrong with his Cullen classmates who had begun to sort of, kind of, a little bit...yeah his friend. He could admit it now that he no longer held a grudge against him.

Edward was his friend and Mike being a little more observant the usual began to connect the dots as the rusted gears of his mind began to finally move. Edward was incredibly cold, very strong and pale and...well... he never ate.

"Hey Mike put this on!"

He slipped the blue jacket on staring at himself in the mirror. Mrs. Cullen clapped her hands happily-it seemed that she had hemmed and sewed and fixed all of the costumes. Something in him warmed up seeing her smile.

_'Dear God, I think I'm in love with Ed's mother.'_

Edward broke into a coughing fit.

"So uh, what is the purpose of wearing this costume?" He tugged on his red tie and stared down at his dark brown pants. "What are we dressing up as?"

"The SOS brigade from the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya." Edward piped in fixing the yellow head band in his hair. "Gender Bend style."

"Ah. So that's why I'm wearing a lilac wig and glasses right? Who am I supposed to be?"

"I have no idea; I honestly have never seen the show. It was, however Bella's idea. Perhaps you can ask her once she and Kaye return from La Push."

"Why are they in La Push?"

"They are looking for someone that has the _essence_ of Mitsuru Asahina."

"Who?"

"Again I have no idea."

* * *

-

It wasn't like it was a mystery to the students. After all, Kaye Winchester seemed to defy all logic. An example would be Edward Cullen's reveal of actual personality, Mike Newton landing the girl for once and getting over on teachers while bashing Edward's face in with Carlo the Frying Pan™.

Even getting the principle to give her permission to wear a costume for the rest of the week wasn't such a big deal (though the boys in school were definitely not complaining about the Japanese high school girl uniform. Some recognized it as a Haruhi Suzumiya costume) Bella was dressed the same. The boys silently rejoiced.

Edward Cullen and Mike Newton had been dragged into dressing up for the week as well wearing the equivalent of the girl's costume. No red ribbon. They had red ties, dark brown pants, blue blazers with a red M sewn to the left breast pocket.

What was confusing was the new transfer student from the La Push reservation. Didn't get many Indian kids from the Reservation in Forks high school and while it was strange no one could treat the boy badly. He was small; easily matching Bella's Five foot four in height. He had large brown eyes and a round copper face. His dark hair was choppily cut and hung below his ears and his smile was so adorable it sent the meanest of people giggling like little girls.

In short the boy was the definition of cute.

And Kaye's deadliest of weapons.

**BAM!**

"Hands off the skirt Ed-Stalker!"

"I was trying to straighten it! Did you realize that it only goes half thigh length, people can see too much of your legs!"

**BAM!**

"I know."

Jessica, who hadn't allowed herself to ask too many questions since the last time, stared at the group that had almost taken over her table. Of course the phrase "anime nerds" cam to mind but she wouldn't dare say it out loud. If Kaye hit Edward so freely then what was to stop her from hitting Jessica.

Today however she was tempted to talk to the small pretty boy named Seth who seemed to always hang on Edward's every word.

"Hi Jessica." He seemed to have caught her staring. She blushed ever so slightly as Lauren giggled behind her.

"Hey there Seth. Can I ask you something?"

And that was how she found herself fitted in a Bunny suit (the sexy kind) waiting in line for tickets with the rest of the brigade.

"Aren't you glad you asked me about the con?"

"Not really I mean, I'm half naked in front of a bunch of rejects!" She was a bit annoyed, cold and afraid since Kaye had yet to stop hitting Edward in the face with her frying pan. There was something eerily disturbing about that. Mike nor did Bella seem at all bothered by it.

In fact, they looked quite amused.

"You think I'm a reject? Me?"

Something in Seth's eyes dimmed as his mouth pouted cutely before he looked down. Jessica had thought she'd broken him, his smile was gone something in him had shattered.

"No! I didn't mean it! I just hate this costume!"

"Oh? Really?" He beamed and suddenly Jessica felt blinded. A warm hand held hers and she felt as though she were in paradise. The kid was incredibly cute and something in her ached to hug him.

Suddenly Edward's screams in pain and Kaye's maniacal laughter didn't bother her so much.

"Well, if you don't like this one...maybe...we can pair off and wear regular clothes as soon as we've gotten our tickets!" He shook her hands happily. "We'll have a really great time together Jess, just you wait!"

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_'Hey, what the hell are you doing asleep? If you aren't serious about this con then I'll kill you, bastard.'_

Ah, that sound, an angel was speaking.

_'Get the hell up! How is it that you, of all people are asleep?'_

My love, I am coming! Is it heaven where you are waiting for me?

_'Hey leave him alone! Even a dead man would pass out from having a car door slammed into his face by the amount of force you put in.'_

_'Shut up Seth!'_

Seth?

Edward opened his eyes and the sight greeted him was one filled with his classmates and Seth. Suddenly he felt eerily human-after all, his last memory had been the car door slamming against his face and Kaye's smiling face.

Something inside of Edward mentioned that it would have been a killing blow if he were hum and that maybe he should realign his priorities.

"So-how long have I been out?" He shooed Seth's hand away. He was dressed rather oddly... "Why are you dressed in Sailor costume?"

"Oh, I'm cosplaying Sailor Mercury!" Seth twirled for good measure. "Cute right?"

It dawned on Edward, as Seth fixed the blue wig on his head, that something he should have noticed earlier about Seth had just smacked him in the face. He just couldn't figure out what it was. "Uh." He just knew it was really really adorable!

"Just agree, would you? Jessica and Seth spent a whole two hours primping in the bathroom." Mike whispered as he pointed to Jessica that had a similar outfit but long blond hair half held in an orange bow. "She's Venus, by the way. Oh man, how the hell did it all go so wrong?"

They were in their hotel rooms he was on the bed closest to the door. He looked around the room and noted everyone had changed costumes-Bella was a shrine maiden. Her monotonous features sending shivers down his spine 'when had that girl gone so quiet?'

Mike holstered the gun in his hand looking incredibly at ease with his sunglasses and long red coat.

"I'm Vash the stampede...what ever that means."

"Ah, I see. So Jessica and Seth are sailor scouts and Kaye is?"

"She said Hungary."

"...I see...so that is why she was so excited about bringing that frying pan."

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**BAM!**

"OW! What did I do to warrant that?"

**BAM!**

"Stop!"

"C'mon we have to get into the spirit of our characters. As _Hungary_ it's only right that I **pummel** you, as _Prussia_, for being a complete **bastard**."

"Is that why you were cackling as I put the red contacts in?"

**BAM!BAM!**

"Maybe."

"You're sick!"

"And you're sexy."

"...wait what did you say? What are you playing at?"

"Nothing...c'mere _tiger_..."

_Leans in._

_Leans in closer._

_And closer..._

**EPIC BANG!!!**

_Click!_

"Hey Belle-Buggy, you get that on camera?"

"Sure did."

"Sweet! Let's go to the Buyer's Room!"

And so, abandoned and in a large amount of pain Edward sobbed, a pathetic ball of sadness writhing on the floor.

As always...it ends in violence...

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_Karin: The hardest chapter. Not enough LOLS but it was a transitional chapter anyway. 15 reviews are great I'm hoping to make it to that special number 20. There's some character information and an important poll on my page and general news on the progress of certain stories._

_About Seth? He's a little off. His character BIO will explain._

_Anyway I have to add that, as annoying it may be, I only update with reviews _**only**_. If I get enough of them then the updates will be a lot faster. _

_See you in the next chapter:_ **Edward and the infinite sadness!**

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Character Bio 3:

**Name:** Seth Clearwater

**Favorite Color: **Purple

**Favorite Book:** Battle Royal, Kamikaze Girls, L, Change the World.

**Favorite Food: **His mama's Lasagna. Anything else can go flying out the window, in his opinion!

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**Personality:** the token effeminate pretty boy, shota type character that makes him endearing to both girls and guys. And yes, despite being male, he still manages to get molested by guys all the time specifically his pack mates who do it without realizing and _later _Edward. According to Jacob Black and later Mike Newton and Edward (in later chapters, I wont reveal how they know _now_), Seth has an extremely large penis- this causes strain for Edward and Mike who feel inadequate because of it.

Seth's _rolls with the punches attitude_ makes him the fall back to guy in the group and his inability to understand gender specific _anything_ make him seem incredibly naïve and safe to have around as the girls will fall to him for advice on how to woo or in Kaye's case, chase away the guys. He is very close to his parent's and his sister Leah who treats him like a little sister rather then a little brother. This causes Seth to refer to Leah as "my big brother." Who is "a nice guy, really." And vice versa for Leah to call him "My baby sister" and often says things like "you make Sethy cry I'll kick your ass!"

He seems to have quite a following. The **I Love Seth** _fan club_ began when he turned 13 earlier that year (I am going by the time frame of 2005-since he was born in 1992 then he is 13 years old in 2005). The fan club consists of mostly females and at least five males bringing the number up to fifty five. He is completely oblivious to the club and to the crushes of his pack mates who barely recognize these feelings themselves even though their patterns of speech drastically change when he is around (all _except_ Sam and Jacob call him _cute _and tend to not touch him too much as Jared, Quill and _especially_ Paul seem to get jealous over this).

He is asked by Kaye to join her makeshift SOS Brigade as Mitsuru and Mikuru dressing as both (making him the lone cross dresser of the group). He renames the Brigade the OsOs Brigade sighting that "It makes sense. We're in the Olympic-O tacked to the front also gives is a nice feel, rolls right off the tongue!"

He seems to be the only one to have the ability to scold Kaye for her violence against Edward who he becomes good friends with. During the course of the story he hides her frying pans and at one point ties her to a chair in order for Edward to confess his feeling to Kaye again without interruption. Seth is said, by Mike to "have balls the size of Jupiter."

Seth's Hetalia-ism is Chibitalia for obvious reasons.

Since Seth's personality isn't really described apart from "happy and sweet" in the Twilight books it is up for grabs whether this depiction of him if far off or not since his original creator hadn't see the point in going into his actual character in the books.

Yes...that was a deliberate SMeyer jab.

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**Read Review No Flames.**

**I _only _update with reviews.**


	8. For the readers It is very important!

**Hello All!**

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**Should I just skip the Sakura-con chapter and get back to the normal set of writing? I was thinking about it and it seems just so cliche anime to make a Haruhi and Lucky Star joke and now that Seth has been introduced there will be enough shota/cross dressing/ gay _(though he isn't he just tends to make those around him a little bit gay) _jokes to choke a horse.**

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**Also I miss just concentrating on beating the crap about Edo-Kun with Kaye-Tan's frying pan. **

**I'm thinking that perhaps if I do skip the Sakura-Con chapters _(there would have been 3 in total of mostly mixing the other characters and putting Edo and Kaye to the background) _of tinkering with the idea of writing an in Edward's Mind_ (sort of_) chapter where Kaye beats him so hard he actually falls into unconsciousness and we see his nightmare where he is beaten again in various ways and rejected so badly that he awakens screaming naked in a creek _(why is he naked? Because Jacob would have probably decided to dumb him and leave him in the most humiliating state ever because he hates him)_.**

**Still this old heart cannot possibly take the utter lack of**** hits to the story _(old? I'm only 22 years old!) _**

**Anyway, if you would like that I skip the Sakura-Con chapters and just jump back into the actual plot _(there's a plot?!)_ then review and tell me so. Also, for those who wish for personal chapters, send a review with ways you would like for Kaye to pumble him next.**

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**That's all for now I guess just review. I can't take it with just being up to 15-the number just doesn't look right!  
**

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**And just to note to those who would flame this story for being ridiculous, I know it's ridiculous so don't tell me what I already know. If you still wish to flame me and the story then I shall send the Bad Touch Trio into your rooms at night. Not only will there be severe molestation your vital regions shall be thoroughly concurred. And there will be tomatoes-(those of you who know Hetalia will know this one).**

**For those not Heatlia Savy then I shall just send Edward to your rooms to stalk you for the rest of eternity dressed as a Sailor Moon. The image shall follow you forever and your screams of terror shall be legendary.**

**That is all**

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**-Karin  
**


	9. A Twilight & Hetalia Cross Omake Parody

**The Omake Chapter **

_(because I don't know whether to skip the Sakura-con chapter please tell me if I should!)_

**[**Hetalia Crossover at it's best**]**

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**_~Volturitalia~_**

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Bella didn't know what to think as she stared into Aro's ruby red eyes. She could almost feel his hunger the total dominance in his eyes screaming for her blood and for her to yield to him as easily as any other creature would for his pleasure of their blood. Beside her Edward seemed pliant, a complete statue of grief and horror as he stared into the eyes of the monster that would surely take her life without pause.

And suddenly the light left Aro in the form of a girlish shriek and Edward's indifferent cold mask changed into something that could only be identified as absolute horror.

"My God." Caius, another of the evil vampires said his white hands breaking his throne. "It cannot be...tell me that it has not happened!"

"Is it that time of year already?!"

"Good Lord in the heavens save us!"

"I'm to young for this!"

"Ve~ciao!"

The voice did not warrant fright in Bella as it seemed to everyone else. Turning slowly (she took careful note to ignore Edward's panicked look and Alice's near feint) and stared at the boy by the door who's eyes seemed closed. He had auburn hair, tanned skin and a wild curl that seemed to have a life of its own and a blue military uniform.

"Oh Italy, thank God, it's _only_ you!" Edward breathed a sigh in relief. "I surely thought the **_HE_** would have come with you."

"Ve~ Edward it has been so long! Have you joined the Vultori?"

"He has not." Jane said in a clipped voice, Alec nodding quickly at her side. "He is here to be punished for his ways."

"Hm?" The boy, Italy, cocked his head to the side in question and all Bella could think was that he was adorable. "What did he do?"

"He told a human about us." Aro calmly spoke. He pointed to Bella. "This girl."

"Ve~but this is no big thing. This girl isn't human."

"What?" Bella asked along with the others. There was a silence that befell them as Italy latched to her side and hugged her. "Ve~ Washington's daughter is so pretty!"

"My parent's are Rene Dwyer and Charlie Swan. You're mistaken."

"Exactly you are Washington's daughter."

"My mother-"

"No."

It suddenly occurred to Bella that maybe she should have paid much more attention to her dad when he spoke about the family tree. Italy smiled brightly as he explained and Bella almost fell over from an aneurism. "My father is a **STATE**?!"

"_sì_."

She fell over in a dead faint, Edward barely managing to catch her.

"**_BELLA_**!"

After it was made clear that Edward and the Cullen's had done nothing wrong they were free to go...

...and go is what they would have done if not for the terrible sound of **_HIM_**.

"_Bonjour_...!"

Marcus was unmoving while Caius screamed and clawed at his mangled thrown. The guards all seemed to become stiff with fear while Aro and Edward clung to each other in absolute fright.

"Everyone quick, defend you **VITAL REGIONS**!" Aro shouted and Edward did just that.

"Hide the children!" Jane and Alec hid behind Felix who was busily shaking them off:

"_Gerrof _I don't want him concurring my vital regions!"

And France strolled through the door wearing nothing but roses covering his own vital regions and cat ears...

What happened that day no one will know for sure but what is certain...

The Vultori fought to protect their vital regions – and lost.

Italy, Jane, Alice and Alec made pasta. –it was good.

Bella never regained consciousness. –until she reached home and demanded the truth...which entailed meeting America her _grandfather_ who looked about her age. She fainted again.

And Edward...let's just say France molested him so much he wound up in a bar with England- both were found later by Jacob Black and America who had to drag their sorry butts home. Both were too drunk to realize their current condition. England half dressed and Edward totally naked.

France- he had a good day all around.

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_Once a year Italy visits the Vultori and like clock work France goes with him to ensure that the Vultori know who is 'boss'. The Volturi are located in Italy of course so Italy checks on them to make sure they aren't taking over or stepping on any toes (they had a really nasty time with Romania in the past and then there was the thing with the Teutonic Knights...Prussia still thirsts for vengeance )._

_Since Bella is reveled to be the child of the state this explains why Edward nor any other vamp power effect her. She's going to be the future Washington maybe._

_He's also had many run ins with France who has a liking for him (since he's never changing and beautiful...he likes pretty shiny things)_

_The ultimate Edward Bash is his molestation by a man._

_Don't get me started on how worse the other omake will be._

_Just imagine...Shinatty-Chan, Russia, and angry Korea and a bottle of vodka._

_I leave that with you._

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**Karin:**

**(For those of you unfamiliar with it here is a run down: _Hetalia: Axis Powers_ (ヘタリア Axis Powers , _Hetaria Akushisu Pawāzu_?) is a webcomic, later adapted as a manga and an anime series, by Hidekaz Himaruya (日丸屋秀和, _Himaruya Hidekazu_?). The series presents an allegorical interpretation of political and historic events, particularly of the World War II era, in which the various countries are represented by anthropomorphic characters. _Hetalia_ (ヘタリア?) is a portmanteau combining _hetare_ (へタレ?, Japanese for "useless") and _Italia_ (イタリア?).[1] This is to make light of Italy's apparent cowardice during World War II.**

**Got that offa wiki. The characters are enjoyable, it's addicting and for the oddest of reasons the characters actual personalities tie into normal ones. You should really check it out-just review and I'll send you the link**

**Read Review and please tell me if I should just skip the Sakura-Con Arc...!**

**No Flames**


	10. Edward in Wonderland a parody

**Edward and the Real Girl presents...**

**[**Edward in _the sort of kind of just a little bit maybe _Wonderland**]**

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**A little off of the main story, why? Because you all do not review so I had no idea as to whether or not skip the Sakura-Con chapter or continue. This is another OMAKE _without_ the Hetalia since there are those of you who do not know Hetalia at all or enough to know what the jokes are about (just to clarify Hetalia is _like_, the Bee's Knees and you guys are so _totally_ missing out...(woops I imitated Poland's valley girl talk...couldn't help it)**

**Oh! Well okay just to give you a fair amount of warning a heads up-this is really nothing like Alice in Wonderland-sort of- more like lightly based.**

**A note here would be nice uh, warning of cross-dressing/cosplay (for obvious reasons you'll see what I mean in a bit) and general cross species snark in the form of a pissed off cat.**

**Oh, and Seth turning the wolf pack (Minus Sam and Jacob) Tyler and Jasper (plus Edward) just a little but _not_ all the way gay is probably something I should have earlier mentioned.**

**...**

**Unless you have and idea what Shota is...then you're probably confused.**

**...**

**Edward violence is just around the corner kiddies!**

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It was around one of the many times, in recent months, that Edward found himself unconscious despite the fact that technically he wasn't supposed to have the ability to sleep. It was all due to the thanks of Kaye Winchester, the ballsy, temperamental, tomato and coffee loving short girl who had a frying pan fetish and an almost child like joy for dealing out pain.

In retrospect, Edward should have probably stopped stalking her but, you can't really change the mind of a guy who's found **'the one'** after 87 (to be exact) years of being completely and utterly without a girlfriend. Yes, you perverts, he is the epitome of virgin you don't have to rub it in. Now during these moments of sweet oblivion in which Edward usually rested on the floor for all of a few minutes (5 to be exact) he would find himself in almost dream/nightmare like states.

Although this time, as he lay on floor to the cold tiled bathroom with his left cheek in shatters, he seemed to fall into the strangest of dreams he had ever thought possible and to his consternation it had all started with a little white rabbit in the form of someone entirely too familiar with the exception of fluffy white tale, white fluffed pawed feet and long white floppy ears.

"Seth?"

"Oh no I'm late! I'm late for a very important date. No time to say hello, goodbye! I'm late! I'm late! I'm late!" Seth shouted to no one in particular. The shimmering red of his silk vest glittered against the sunlight above while the shirt bellow seemed to be the shade of warm butter (so it's golden colored or just really light yellow). The buttons were in the shape of silver carrots clashing horrible with his red slacks and his thick gold pocket watch.

"Seth, what are you _wearing_?" Not that he was really complaining.

Edward followed behind Seth the rabbit. His face felt oddly warm in what Edward refused to acknowledge as a blush _(because Edward couldn't blush and Seth was a boy who was not Kaye and did he mention Seth was a boy with all the requisite twig and berries in the southern region of his body?)._

It seemed to stop Seth for just a moment he faced Edward with an angry pout. His hands on his hips in what was the most cliché girlish anger pose in history... _(Edward actual felt himself lightly swoon "_What is wrong with me?_")_

"What's wrong with what I'm wearing?" Seth asked in his sexless voice-it wasn't too high or deep at all- it seemed that he'd forgotten the time in his panic not that Edward would mention it anyway what with the whole Sexuality Crisis the "vampire" _(_cough_-pixie-_cough_)_ was having. "I think I look perfectly normal! I look damn good!"

"You have rabbit ears, you're feet are little paws and you have a fluffy cotton ball tail. I think I am completely allowed to be just a bit curious as to what you are wearing."

"That's rich, coming from a boy dressed up like a girl!" He said, his giant pawed foot kicked a pebble which went quite far up hitting the tree just behind Edward who stared down at the _(his) _blue dress, white stockings, black buckled shoes and the white frilly apron in what could only be assumed as horror. "Yeah, that's right princess, you're mind is one crapped up place."

"My _mind_, am I dreaming? Tell me that this is some sort of illusion from eating Kaye's food _(again-his only opinion of that day-after he had regained his bearings a week later-was that Kaye was never ever allowed in _his_ kitchen to which she begrudgingly agreed)_. Please tell me that I am in a nightmare world and that I haven't died and gone to hell."

"Sorry toots, but I'm just a little late. Its nice standing in this meadow with you and, by the way I have to say that blue is so your color. I've got to get going."

"Where?" Edward asked. "Where can you possibly have to go that is more important then explaining any of this?"

"Duh!" Seth turned fluffy tail and ran. "I obviously can't tell you, you have to be a nosy little girl and follow me down the rabbit hole, in which you get horribly lost, meet a pot smoking caterpillar, get molested by Tweedledee and Tweedledum, get accosted by giant singing flowers, get mind raped by a smiling Satan Cat and then meet the evil **BAMF**_(Bad Ass Mother FU**ING)_ Queen of Hearts who totally makes you her man-bitch!"

"...so I disregard the book and go with the Disney film version?" Edward began to give chase only minutely aware that this meadow was something like the one back in the waking sane world.

Nothing seemed to make sense as he followed the white rabbit to a hole in the ground that seemed almost endless except the tiny little light at the bottom. There was a sign next to the hole, a giant finger pointing towards it with words written in horrible Emmet like script **"You are now entering Wonderland-_not_ to be confused with Neverland- population; Quite Awesome. Have a nice stay!"**

"Obviously. No one reads books anymore it's all about instant visual gratification!" He jumped down the hole with a cheesy smile. "See you at the finish line _Alice_."

"It's _Edward_!"

"Whatever!" Seth's voice echoed the further it got.

Edward heard him hit the ground with a sickening thud and a shout. "OW! MY ASS!"

Edward cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted: "HA-HA!"

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**Karin: I'd write more but I'm not sure I should. I want to start the main story again but I'm short ideas. Beating Edward into submission is all fun and games but I can't help but think that he story needs a little more substance and I'm not sure what kind to take. Some reviews would be very helpful.**

**No flames. I know this was short. That was the whole point.**


	11. Hello, is it me your waiting for?

Karin Marie Henderson was a woman of twenty years of age. Her hair was the color of burnt orange and reached midway to her back in long thick waves. Her pencil thin brows were furrowed as she walked with her arms crossed covering the maple leaf on her red hoodie which she always wore.

Her short legs were half covered by snug blue jeans and on her feet she wore a pair of black boots. Her mouth, a bit long for her angular face was in an angry pout and her deep brown eyes shimmered in annoyance. She stepped out of the trailer slamming the door with such force that the sign on it labeled "Authoress" nearly fell from its nail.

She trudged towards the large stage passing the mixture of diverse characters that were too busy speaking around the water cooler to notice her. Lestat De Lioncourt gave a curt nod to Sasuke Uchiha who was huddled underneath a table. Ron Weasley sat on a wooden bench sipping his morning cup of tea while Kazuo Kiriyama read the newspaper completely oblivious to all of the glares coming in his direction from the rest of the Battle Royal cast. Harry Potter seemed to be arguing with Taka Sukunami _(formerly Tamahome_) about car insurance while Nakago and Roiben read over their lines.

LovingTheOgre-Sera Ackley had brought out a cattle prod sending Sasuke, who was now a shivering mess, to jump into the arms of, of all people, Ivan Braginski who began to ask the "Join Russia, yes?" question.

Novelist-In-Training- Megan Jensen was playing with her baby nephew Michael who began cooing up at Jacob Black who'd been making funny faces, all the while Megan complained that no one ever read or reviewed her stories. No one except Sokka heard her, he gave an apologetic shrug.

Dante had discarded the red coat for an orange t-shirt. It had an arrow pointed directly towards his vital regions. The back of the shirt read "Airbend This".

As Karin made her way passed the characters and the other Authoresses', she trudged up to a large wooden stage. Stepping behind the podium she addressed the other's and scowled as Edward Cullen, who'd been having a verbal squabble with Berwarld_ (Sweden)_, looked up at her and grinned ruefully. He was fully aware what this was about sort of.

"Oi, you lot! Shut your bloody mouths!" Arthur shouted earning a nod from Karin who cleared her throat as the noise dwindled and all attention was on her.

"Aright, fellow Authoresses' and fictional heartthrobs I have an announcement to make!" A pair of cue cards appeared in her small hands like the glasses on her face as she began to read. "I, Karin Henderson-sometimes known as Kale, hereby announce the progress of Edward Cullen and the Real Girl."

Harry scowled darkly at Edward, reminded that his Harry Potter and the Real Girl was on Hiatus until further notice. He stared at Karin's one and only on going Original Character, Kaye Merope Winchester who's brown hair was being braided by an overly excited Ginny Weasley. She was smoking a Marlboro.

"Now, for those of you who want me to continue," She looked at the screen yeah that's right she's looking right at **you**, and scowled. "Since no one has anything to add, no requests to ask, or any reviews to the story...well," She giggled. "Joking! That doesn't have anything to do with the story that's more of a personal complaint. Anyway, what I _really_ came to announce was-I will be making Quick Skit chapters involving Edward and other characters not just Kaye."

Edward's grin widened as Harry began to really scowl his hand itching to get to his wand.

"Bloody tosser."

"Stupid limey."

Harry poked out his tongue at him.

"Basically there will be a whole lotta bashing Edward's marble face. Make a request on how you would personally like Edward to meet the violent end of your hatred with possibly, though it isn't just centered on, a frying pan, microwave, a car, a house falling from the sky..."

By this point in the announcement the roles were reversed. Edward was near in tears while Harry had the largest shit eating grin anyone had ever had the misfortune of seeing. Leon Kennedy and Squall _(Leon) _Lionheart were watching the two with their hands on their respective weapons ready to puill them out and shot/stab if they needed to. This was not the first time Harry Potter proved unstable and incredibly insane. Leon called it wand happy and Squall was quick to grunt in agreement.

"But why?" Edward suddenly shouted as Harry began to cackle. Those around him, Goku Son and Vash the Stampede, edged away from the laughing wizard in mild fright as Vegeta and Ichogo stared in horror as the sparkling vampire held on to each of them for support.

"Well my dear Edwina, the only reason people read this story is because there is a significant amount of violence done on your immortal persons. I mean, your story is a parody of Harry Potter and the Real Girl which is a serious and possibly tragic story."

By now Harry had fallen onto the floor in a fit of guffaw with tears of joy streaming down his face. Yami Bakura shook his head as Yami Marik began to laugh as well. Yami Yugi or _ahem_ Atem merely rolled his eyes in amusement _(should be noted that the pharaoh hated the entire series only reading it out of morbid fascination. He'd joined the Soul Society one night as they had a Burning of the Twilight and had danced naked around the fire in celebration of the burning books)._

Karin turned back to well, **you**...

"So give me a request with your personal description or the description of an character you'd like or even someone character from another series and how you would like to torture, pick on and destroy Edward. You won't be disappointed."

The screen pans out showing the characters and they circled around the now convulsing Edward. Kaye kicked him hard once in the head with her steel toed boot yelling "Grow a pair Wife!" before storming off.

Bella _(Bell-Buggy)_ giggled at something Hidan whispered in her ear as Shigure Souma hugged her from behind. The Weasley twins laughed uproariously with Naruto who had "Sexy Jutsu'd" a now unconscious Kyon. Draco Malfoy was too busy talking to Cloud about his buster blade to notice Zack Fair until he jumped on the wizard teens back laughing.

Kaye smacked Harry on the head and smiled up at him. He stuck out his arm giving her his best smile _(James Potter patented Sirius Black Approved)_. She took his arm and the two began to walk towards his trailer passing a sobbing abused Edward Cullen who was being comforted by, of all people, Black Haru Souma who was patting his head.

Karin smirked.

"Let it never be said that I let my readers down." She said as Jess and Alison sidled up beside her.

"Give us screen time!" they shouted in unison.

"I just did!"

Jess flushed the color of Karin's hoodie while Alison rolled her eyes.

"Oh...yeah..."

**[A chapter that was a chapter and an authors note all in one]**


	12. Growing Up

**Edward Cullen and the Infinite Sadness**

**[**Growing Up**]**

_A semi serious chapter introducing the second phase of Kaye in the Twilight world ...don't worry Edward is still an idiot who will be horribly beaten by the end._..

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_Karin: Gyah! Here's the actual story chapter. Sorry I've been gone so long from the actual story! Also, the previous chapter talking about the Quick Skit, if you request I shall write it but it will be a one shot and titled with the name of your character. An example would be:_

_BLANK YOUR NAME GOES HERE and the Destruction of Edward Cullen_

_Anyway about the main story as you can tell this is called Edward Cullen and the Infinite Sadness, this means that the story is actually evolving with more plot it wont be just about Bashing Edward-although it will still happen- it will be about life in general. This chapter takes place in Bella, Ed's, Mike and Kaye's senior year. College, jobs and exams will be mixed into the story. Kaye will try to figure out a way home if she wants to go home at all and she will come to terms with Edward and her feelings for him (whether romantic, brotherly or friendly well I'll leave it to you)._

_I know you lot hate Edward. Believe me I am no fan either. I look at the Edward of **this** story as my Edward who can change and actually become likable as apposed to SMEYER's creepy stalker pedo abusive moron virgin. So if you see Edward in this story being treated kinder please don't be disgusted and upset. It just means that he is evolving and becoming relatively normal _(though still the perfect wife and still somewhat whiny)_._

_He's not SMEYER's Edward. He is Karin's Edward-infinitely better then SMEYER's Edward, don't you think? And Bashing Edward? It's the best part, the funnest part and one of the main reasons of the story! It will still happen.  
_

_Ok. I have babbled enough. Now onto the actual story:_

* * *

-

College applications were strewn on the coffee table of Kaye's studio apartment. Mike went over Evergreen State reading carefully while beside him Bella bit her bottom lip and glared at the two in her hands, Evergreen and Washington State. She wanted to go with Mike to Evergreen if that's where he was accepted but Mike had told her not to follow him to a place just because he would be there he wanted her to be independent.

After voicing her worries to Kaye that if she and Mike went their separate ways Kaye had told her: "So what? If you guys breakup you'd still be friends right?"

Bella was really tempted by Washington State-College of Engineering and Architecture just sounded so...interesting!

Kaye herself merely perused. She had no idea if she should apply or not. As she fingered her galleon necklace in thought. This coin had somehow gotten her into this book world, maybe she could use it to get back but, did she have a reason to go back to a life where her mother was distant, her father ignored her. Would she be happy being around Byron Jinks, her first love her first everything who had taken her feelings and smashed them by sleeping with her best friend?

Sure there was Christy, but it had seemed that Kaye was becoming more of a nuisance with her whining. Back home she hadn't even thought of going to college. Here, it was an option. Charlie had even said he would help her too.

"Hey Kaye, can I ask you something?" Mike hadn't looked away from the application. His blond hair was not in the customary spikes as usual and his face seemed oddly serious.

"Sure."

"Where is Edward going to apply to?"

Kaye lifted a thick curved brow.

"Why?"

"Well," Mike placed the application down onto the worn wood and gave Bella a furtive glance. She shrugged. "I just figure since we're all applying to Evergreen-and others but well...I'm saying..."

Bella cut in with a small laugh, trust Mike to babble. "What Mike is saying is that along with all the other places we are applying that if we _all_ happen to get into Evergreen that we should look for places to live together. You know since Mike and I are together," She grabbed Mike's hand and wove their fingers together. "And you and Edward cohabitate in a semi realistic marriage with **none **of the perks; it would be pretty easy to live in one place together you know?"

"Oh, well, I dunno where he's applying. Probably some snooty legacy place you know Yale, Harvard or Brown."

Mike shrugged and went back to what he was doing while Bella giggled.

"I thought you were applying to Brown."

Mike's brows lifted in surprise. Kaye ignored it.

"I was thinking about it. I dunno. I like Washington, I'm gonna stick with it I think."

"Oh?"

"Yeah."

As though he could sense that he was being spoken about or that Kaye was contemplating leaving Seattle, the front door clicked opened and Edward strolled in. In his hands were two plastic bags. He closed the door with a light kick and walked towards the counter.

"Hello." He greeted.

"What's in the bags, Ed?" Mike asked far too comfortably. If someone would have told him he would be friends with Edward Cullen a year ago he would have laughed. But now it wasn't so laughable. Certainly he knew that there was something wrong with Cullen in the "he's not too human sense" but he ignored it. He and Edward had started getting along since Kaye had moved to town, he wasn't going to question anything that obviously wasn't his business just yet.

Lure Cullen into a false sense of security and _then _ask.

That was Mike's plan.

"Thai food." Edward said with a sigh. "I had to walk two blocks from the restaurant to get here and it's pouring. I just hope the food didn't get wet."

"Don't worry about it." Mike walked towards the counter. He inspected the bags and smiled. "Naw it's all good man. Dry." He began to remove the Styrofoam boxes from the bags as Edward unloaded plates from the cupboard.

It bothered Kaye as she watched them. It bothered her because she was happy in this book world, it bothered her that she had made such great friends and it bothered her most of all that she was beginning to forget the touch or Byron in lieu for the ice cold finger of the vampire in her kitchen.

It reminded her of a conversation she'd had with Bella two days before. They'd been at Charlie's place studying at the kitchen table. Jacob had been sitting outside with Jessica and Seth talking about the convention the year before, they were laughing.

-

-

-

_"Kaye, you remember how you mentioned...how you got here?"_

Oh she had remembered. Bella hadn't believed her at first-until she came to her own conclusions. She hadn't ever spoke of it only saying "I believe you." And that was that.

_"Yeah?"_

_"Do you want to go back? I mean are you going to try to leave?"_

_"I dunno. I kind of miss my little brother's but we weren't ever really close. I miss my friend Christy but things were strained and I kind felt that she stuck around because she felt bad for me."_

_"What about Byron?"_ Bella had no problem mentioning Byron. She didn't try to pretend he wasn't real, maybe it helped that she didn't know him. _"What about...Edward?"_

_"What about them? Look,"_ Kaye brushed stray hairs from in front of her eyes. _"Byron is a cheating asshole. He fucked my friend and expected me to forgive him. We broke up and I tried like hell to move on, and Edweirdo? The only thing I love to do to him is kick his ass with my frying pan! There is nothing between us."_

Bella looked unconvinced.

_"Seriously there is nothing."_

_"Sure, just that he cleans your place, cooks your meals. You guys tend to hang out more then Mike and me do-going to movies and restaurants and he can't even eat!"_ Bella said, knowing full well of his "bloody" problem. _"He buys you things and teases you and confesses his feelings to you almost everyday."_

_"Whatever."_ Was all Kaye could have said before Jacob, Seth and Jessica strolled through the front door.

"Kaye!" Bella snapped directly in front of Kaye's eyes with a bemused smile. Mike was already seated at the coffee table chowing down on noodles with Edward beside him laughing at the way the blond ate.

"Huh?"

"You were zoning." Bella said with a small smile, it reminded Kaye of Christy's. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah I was just thinking."

"About how you are in love with me and would like to stay by my side for eternity? Oh Kaye! I love you too," Edward said causing Mike to nearly choke on his food. "But I cannot make you what I am I cannot end your life and prolong your fate to eternity."

Neither Edward nor Mike saw the frying pan coming but Bella did and had the foresight to shout for Mike to move out of the way.

It made a sickening crack against Edward's skull causing him to fall backward, pieces of splintering white marble flew.

**_BAM!_**

Kaye retracted her hand and rubbed her frying pan lovingly.

"And I thought that we were going to have a nice non violent night out. Oh Eddie Cullen you make it so hard to like you, you make it so difficult to try and be nice. I can't believe I thought of actually liking you as a friend." Kaye said to herself more then to him as she began eat her noodles.

"Um," Mike looked toward Edward worriedly at the cracks on his face. "He kind of cracked."

"It'll attach itself later."

As Mike placed the pieces of Edward's face back together Bella leaned towards Kaye with a smile.

"Aw! He's your _friend_!"

"Shut up Bell-Buggy."

"But it's cute!"

"Shut up!"

-

* * *

**Karin: Hey guys! Just dropping in to say hello and to thank Jaya for the first review in a while. Jaya I will write a Quick Skit involving SMEYER as soon as I am able. I will make it incredibly violent and hilarious!**

**Also-about Kaye's weirdness in her thought and Edward...no she does not have the romantic warm and fuzzies. She's starting to kind of see him as a friend. He'll continue to screw it up. In the next few chapters he will be severally beaten and brutalized because of his narcissism via many objects in painful ways-this way he'll learn to be normal but twitchy.**

**Read. Review and no flames! This was transitional-next time it will be more like the earlier chapters of Edward bashing.**

**-Bye! **


	13. Canon Foder! Quick Skit for LTO

A Blurb

**[**When Edward is away Mike and Bella become snarky and interesting**]**

* * *

"I had a nightmare."

"Yeah, what about Kaye? What was the nightmare about?"

"I dreamt that I married my stalker, got pregnant with mutant demon monster and the only way to nourish it was to drink blood. And then I ended up having the baby claw its way out of me while breaking my ribs and spine. And then, Jacob Black fell in love with the baby that grew into the size of a toddler after one week and the worse part? I was transformed into the most narcissistic being the world has seen since the creation of the bishonen Hotohori from Fushigi Yugi...it was **awful**."

"..." Mike took a long languid sip of hot coffee. He set down the Styrofoam cup on the counter and gave Kaye a pointed look ignoring the dark circles under her eyes. "You know what, next time I ask you about your nightmares or dreams...don't." He shot Bella a look. "For the love of God woman, never let me ask her a stupid question like that again!" He got up and headed towards the back of the diner towards the bathroom.

Bella took his seat besides Kaye and leaned dangerously close with a leer.

"So I take it that you and Edward have selected a date to be **married**?"

"Bella, I have _never _before in my life struck a woman...but you're asking for it." She unsheathed her frying pan. "Keep talking, just keep talking and I'll throttle you like I throttled Edward on his birthday."

"You hit him on his birthday?" Bella asked. "That's kinda mean."

"Not from where I'm standing besides, its tradition, I had to give him his birthday hits, no one ever said it _had _to be with just my fists."

"Word." Mike, who had taken Bella's seat after returning to the bathroom, smirked. "I particularly enjoyed the whack a mole you and Leah preformed with his head."

"You guys are crazy." Bella said with a snigger.

"Says the girl who wanted to shoot the birthday boy from a canon which begs the question, why did you have it in the first place?"

Bella gave her most innocent look.

"Hey, when you find out that the guy stalking your best friend is an indestructible monster you start to wonder what kind of harm you can or cannot inflict on him. Really, he should have just said that shooting out of a canon was something that should never be done to a vampire."

Kaye and Mike gave Bella a look. She flushed.

"It's not like I did too much harm I mean, we found all the pieces anyway and he didn't complain!"

Mike nodded.

"This is true."

"You sure? I'm pretty sure he was trying to say, "will you please reconsider" before being shot out of a canon into tiny little pieces."

Mike shrugged.

"I thought he said "Weeboo". I took it as a sign that he was excited not terrified."

* * *

- **In which Kaye, Bella and Mike get to hang out during one of the rare tiems Edward is not on their tail due to his obsessive love of following Kaye. If you're wondering why he isn't following them-he's recuperating from Bella's Canon- Review! Read! Don't FLAME!**


	14. Twilight! Quick Skit for Jaya

**SHE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED meets Edward.**

**[**_A Quick Skit for Jaya_**]**

**

* * *

**

The day was cloud covered as usual reminding Kaye of smog. She bundled herself deeper into her fake leopard print coat and fixed her red and gold scarf around her shoulders. The cold still seeped in at an alarming rate but she didn't mind all that much.

"You know, smoking can kill you." Bella had her nose in a book either trying to see the tiny print better or trying to hide from the smell of smoke.

"Meh, we're all doomed to die anyway."

"True."

They crossed the street and continued in the destination of the diner only to see...Edward running from a slightly big boned older woman.

"Wow...Belle-Buggy, that woman looks just like you! Is she your mom?"

"...ignoring **that**...I think the question that is begging to be asked is, "why on earth is a sparkling vampire running away from a middle aged woman in the first place?"

"Actually I think it's, "Why the hell is she chasing him with a butter knife?"

The two girls looked at each other, shrugged and continued walking.

* * *

"Well this hasn't happened in a while," Kaye sat up hugging her knees. The warm bubbly water was soothing but she felt anything from relaxed. She peered at Edward. "What happened?"

From the tiled floor Edward chanced a glance at her utterly exhausted. His button down was torn, scratches healed themselves on his cheeks. "That woman." He said.

"What woman?"

He stood up and began gathering her clothes. He tossed her street clothes into the taller hamper while he took her panties and bra and placed them in the sink. Walking out of the bathroom Kaye finally thought she would have some peace.

He walked back in wearing his customary pink apron and bandana. Walking towards the sink he turned on the tap and then began washing her underwear.

"..."

"**What**_?!"_ He asked her a little annoyed. He turned towards her holding her soapy, soaking wet bra. "Cant you see I'm trying to clean?! Stop staring at me with those giant eyeballs!"

"You mentioned a woman and by the way, _Wife_, do you think you could uh, not wash my underwear while I'm trying to have a nice bath? It's a little eerie."

"Of course, _Darling_..." He turned off the tap and tossed her bra into the hamper so hard that the plastic rattled. Kaye stared as he pulled the bandana off his head and stomped on it.

"Whoa, Wife! Calm down breathe!"

The look he gave her was the most pathetic she had ever seen. He stomped out of the bathroom and slammed the door with so much strength that it broke.

"...what the hell...is he on his period or something?"

Kaye stood up, grabbed her robe and ran after him.

* * *

"So let me get this straight, a woman you have never in your life met before comes up to you, threatens you and tells you that you are in love with the wrong girl. She then berates you, telling you that you are not trying hard enough to woo me, that in order to have my heart you should follow me more closely, talk down to me and tell me what to do and in the name of love and then she begins to stab you with a butter knife and chase you all around Forks until finally throwing a book manuscript at your vital regions."

"That is correct." Edward nodded his head still feeling a bit wound up.

"And you couldn't read her mind?"

"No. She also smelled like freesia, like Bella." He said. "It was as though I met an older, angrier and slightly plump version of her. It was frightening." He held up the manuscript. "And this filth is something that apparently she wrote about me."

Kaye took the thick stack of paper into her hands and spied the title. The pages slipped from her hand and her face was one of shock before she began to laugh.

"What is it Kaye?"

"Holy Shit! Twilight! She gave you **TWILIGHT**!"

"Yes that is the name of the story...do you know this woman?"

Kaye would have loved to answer him but all she could do was laugh and wonder.

"Who is Stephanie Myer?" He asked having heard the name reverberate through Kaye's mind.

She just laughed harder.

* * *

**I hope you liked it Jaya. I apologize if it isn't funny enough. (I've also been reading too much of Yoshihara Yuki's '_Itadakimasu'_...it's so addicting!**

**Read Review and do not FLAME!**

**This was another Quick Skit like the previous chapter.**


	15. Edward Cullen's Precious Little Life!

_Edward Cullen's_

**[**_Precious Little Life!_**]**

**THE COLLEGE YEARS!**

**

* * *

-  
**

_Which means there was, yet again, another time skip in which our favorite band of Merry Merriest Merry Doers have all gotten into Evergreen. They've moved in together and have begun leading normal young adult "I live off of wonder bread and ramen" lives. I bet you wish you could have read about the tumultuous senior year in which Bella finally understood Mike's feelings. I bet it would have been awesome to read about Seth Clearwater becoming bff's with Jessica and becoming regular Con goers right? How about Kaye and the gang saying goodbye to Forks High and her studio apartment on graduation day?_

_Well yeah...sorry about that. I just didn't have the energy to write it, no one ever reviews anymore and you know what? I am the ruler of the universe of this story so BLEH! What I say goes. (I can only do this in the confidence that no one is reading this story or will review)_

* * *

"You know some would misconstrue this as a date."

"Well, they would be most assuredly wrong."

"How did it end up like this, I mean, **us**. **Here** right now, **alone**. **Together**."

"...we didn't make such a scene right?"

"We did, I really think we did."

Staring up at the window, the blue curtains billowing towards the window from the fan inside. Droplets of water began to trickle from the gray sky above soaking the two lonely occupants standing beneath the window bellow, standing on the cold concrete and seething in self appointed anger for the younger one while the other merely sighed in defeat.

"I hate you, Jacob Black." Edward Cullen said. He ran his large white hands through his bronze colored hair grimacing as the light behind the window, went out.

This meant that one of two things-either stay outside all night long or to attempt to apologize his way back inside. Neither would hold any certainty that he would be let back into the apartment from the dog house or even forgiven but Edward felt he should apologize. Since it was half his fault, after all, he wasn't going to place all of the blame of the stinking dog. Most of it yes, but not all.

"Hey, don't bring me into this! All I did was ask her to go out with me after her classes-you were the one who jumped to conclusions on your own." Jacob snarled. He was, technically, in the same boat only he had the option to drive all the way back to La Push. "Only **you** would assume I was asking her to sleep with me or something, you obsessive freak."

"Well, how was I to know that it was only to a movie with the rest of the pack? I thought you were declaring your feelings or something along those terms, after all, I've seen the way you look at her and remember," Edward tapped his temple. "I can hear everything in that pebble you call a brain."

"Alright, I'll admit that I think she's cute and sure, I think less then stellar thoughts about her but it's only when she wears something skimpy and tight-I think the same about Bella, only more. You know, I like Bella. **B**-**E**-**L**-**L**-**A**." He crossed his muscled arms across his chest. "And I do not have a pebble for a brain. Just because we all can't go to high school for fifty years doesn't make us stupid, asshole."

"Ah-well, you'd benefit from it. Really, I assure you."

"Bite me!" Jacob scowled. "I don't see why you're so happy-you've just been booted from the apartment."

Edward shrugged.

"Well, I think of it like this: Mike and Bella will be home soon and will let me in."

Edward should have been worried about that the scowl that had been on Jacob's face had turned into the biggest shit eating, pleased as pie, grin of the likes Edward had ever seen. The wolfy teenager went through his pockets, took out his car keys and began to skip towards his parked car leaving Edward thoroughly perplexed. It occurred to Edward much later that Mike and Bella were back in Forks visiting their parents.

* * *

_'Well, isn't this just a spot of dandy?'_ Mike's voice rung through Edward's head at approximately seven o'clock the next morning from the other line of the cellular phone and it became clear as crystal that Jacob Fucking Black had tipped Mike and Bella off. Oh, the sadistic little dog was going to pay.

"Well good morning, Michael."

_'Don't Michael me Eddie. Jake told us what happened.'_ Mike's voice quieted as he moved to the next room. Bella was still sleeping and Mike didn't want to take the chance of laughing. Bella was angry enough for Kaye-Bella had never in her life cursed like a drunken whoring sailor before but last night after Jacob had called to tattle on Edward she had surely attempted and nearly succeeded.

_'Bella was ranting about you all night. I mean, ok I can totally get why the stupid kid would grate on your nerves-he's always asking Bella to go out but c'mon buddy, think! Did you really have to attack him in the middle of the hallway? You nearly toppled over the dean and you gave Kaye a black eye.'_

"...well it's not like I meant to do it and I did not personally give her the black eye per say. My shoe flew off my foot and the heel caught her in the face. I blame Jacob Black. Really it is his entire fault."

_'...'_

"...Mike, can you please stop laughing."

_'Ha-ha...bst...Hahaha...I'm trying but...shit the mental image is going to stay with me forever!'_

"You know, if I weren't what I was I would probably had to have slept on the pavement."

_'What happened to your car?'_

"...Kaye had the keys and I didn't fancy breaking into my own car. Calling you wouldn't have really helped matters since you've both decided to visit your families. Something tells me that I should have picked the lock and climbed into the window." Edward wished, suddenly that he could smoke.

It had been something he did before he died but after he had changed he'd nearly forgotten the sensation. Right now however, he had never wanted a Camel more.

_'Witnesses Eddie, remember, not all of us humans appreciate the sight of seeing a pale skinny teenager scaling a building and crawling in through a window. You know, this is almost becoming routine.'_

"What are you talking about?"

_'Every weekend you get thrown out of the apartment due to either your own stupidity or Kaye's PMS. You know what? I think _this_ is what I should do!'_

Edward could almost picture Mike rubbing his hands together in glee. It was true, usually on Friday's, Kaye would dredge up something to be angry at Edward about, fight with him _(read: beat him senseless until he loses consciousness...) _and throw him out until the wee hours of Monday morning. Bella usually did the same to Mike in other ways. Usually it went like this:

**Bella: Mike, I want you to get out.**

**Mike: Why? Why should I leave this perfectly good apartment?**

**Bella: You ate my bread, you used the last of the detergent and you hog the bed. I want to have a Mike Free weekend. Get out.**

**Mike: You can't tell me to leave! I pay rent here. I have rights, big people rights!**

**Bella: I've called your mother and told her that you were going to visit her this weekend. She's expecting you at home in at least an hour and a half. Get a move on. You rights have officially been reneged.**

**Mike: Stymied once more! You win this round Swan, but I shall succeed in the next battle!**

**Bella: ...you dork.**

Edward wasn't making it up. That had happened last weekend. The only reason Bella and Mike were together now was because he had called her father saying that she wanted to visit him and go fishing...wait? What was Mike saying?

"You wish to write a web comic about our daily lives? Are you insane?"

_'A little bit. So, what do you think?'_

"Alright, but only if I get a cowboy hat, that is my condition!"

_'Done!'_

_

* * *

_

"Step into my lair."

"Mike, this is your mother's basement."

"Indeed."

Saturday found the guys in Mrs. Newton's basement. It was a warm day so the basement was uncomfortably hot, even for Edward. A large, industrial fan wurred in the background as Mike plopped down on the sofa and watched TV. Edward, who had just showered, seemed to be sweating.

_'Huh...I haven't had the need to sweat since I was alive. That's new.'_ He thought.

"So, something tells me that Bella has, again, thrown you from the apartment?" Edward plopped down beside Mike who glared halfheartedly.

"You guess right." Mike said. "And something tells me that Kaye still hasn't forgiven you for the shiner and that Bella sent you this way." He took a long sip of lemonade from his glass cup making the ice clink loudly together. "You know, she took my car, she took my dignity and she even took twenty dollars right out of my wallet!" Mike complained. "I bet she and Kaye are gonna philander with that stupid Jacob head. I hate that guy!"

"Black? No, he's apparently got Saturday school for the next month of course, his fee days are busy as well with being grounded due to a week in a half long suspension and community service."

"What?"

"Someone tipped off the principal of his school that a certain someone named Jacob had nailed all the desks to the floor, broken three windows and had urinated in her office. I think she might have been upset." Edward cackled, oh he hadn't felt this supremely evil since...well ever.

"Dude...you're awesome."

"I prefer to be called Edward but, if you feel the need to call me awesome I will not stop you." He grinned. "I took great pleasure in placing the defecation in her filing cabinets-perhaps too much pleasure when I realized that it was something Jacob would pay for."

Mike matched his grin suddenly feeling pleased as pie.

"Look at you, being all evil! When did you do this?"

"Well," Edward crossed his legs and smiled. "I needed something to do last night, you know, being locked out of the apartment and all."

"That's cold."

Suddenly something happened causing both to stare at one another in horror. Mike inched away from Edward and the familiar yet near terrifying sound that came from him. That was not supposed to happen...EVER!

"Edward?"

"Mike?"

"Dude did you just...are you...?"

"My stomach just _growled_...and there is this foreign _pain_ coming from it!" Edward near shouted. He knew that sound but would ever deny creating it. There was no way in hell that this was happening.

"I think...I think you're hungry...do you need blood or something?"

Edward shook his head. No, there was no thirst in fact, he couldn't recall how long he'd felt the thirst for blood.

"No...I think...I think I want _human_ _food_."

"What the hell?"

* * *

Somewhere between worlds, high above in the **Authors Olympus** sat J.K. Rowling, Stephen King and Anne Rice. The three were having tea and watching Stephanie Meyer-the newest Authoress, typed furiously on her laptop.

"So, Mr. King, do you think this will go over well for her main character?" Miss. Rice asked, her salt and pepper colored hair blowing in the cooling wind.

"I don't have clue. I would think that reversing vampirism would be impossible. Where would the logic be?"

J.K. Rowling lifted a light colored barely there brow. Since when were any Authors (of the fantasy genre) ever intimately involved in logic? Of course there was basic logic but usually they would bend it just so. She looked towards the young manic plump Authoress and shook her head.

Stephanie Meyer didn't use any form of logic, not basic not minute not nothing. Perhaps this was why she was so incredibly criticized.

"So, did her main hero crack under the pressure yet?" Charlene Harris sat beside J.K., her round face split into a kind warm grin. "He's going to go insane. Whoever heard of a boy turned vampire turned human again? That's unique."

"Or idiotic. The woman is mad." Bram Stoker quipped as he glared daggers at the woman who destroyed the basic concept of vampires everywhere.

None of the other authors in all of **Authors Olympus **disagreed.

* * *

**The End of: "EDWARD CULLEN'S PRECIOUS LITTLE LIFE" part 1. Part 2 coming to a computer website near you if the author stops being lazy!**

**Karin: Authors Olympus is exactly what you think. A denizen of the literature Gods, it's where all the greats and not so greats of writing live and breathe. They watch over their creations from the marble perch of Authors Olympus to see how their stories are going. Mostly now however, the Authors and Authoresses gang up and tease SMeyer, although, mostly those who have written about vampires (Bram's got a lot of hate for her) have it out for her. This just proves that (as in the chapter before SMeyer basically beat up Edward and threw her story manuscript at him) that she has the power to play with his life. So she's decided to give her story an even bigger stupid shake and make him slowly turn human again.**

**Don't worry there will still be sparkles!**

**I had ample fun writing Mike and Bella. Since it's a year later and they're in college Mike doesn't feel the need to try to be Mr. Cool. He's embraced his dorkness and Bella copes with it as much as she can.**

**Jacob was a bit of a brat but he hates Edward so it's cool**

**Will up date with more reviews c'mon I know you wanna know if Edward totally becomes human or become a weird hybrid species of it.**

**No flames only reviews. Flames will only make me mad and you don't want to see me mad!**

**Because it's not nice!**


	16. Future Track Important Notice!

**Attention to those who love this story and all the random hilarity: In the spirit of Awesome (Black Rose Authoress) A form shipping account for Kaye has been created. You can now ask 'her' any question or leave any comments you would like. Even Edstalker can get questions. Actually any character can get asked anything. Interaction in all its hilarity with any of them. The sky is the limit. Now, since the idea was borrowed from Black Rose Authoress who has a Leon and Johnson formspring (Go on it and ask the guys questions...it. Is. AWESOME) I recommend you take a gander at her incredibly stories if you haven't already. If you have, you know what I'm talking about...and you most likely agree to the awesome. Now...back to the very impotant update to the status of this story!**

_Whoa, I never thought I would be continuing this again. I mean, I think pretty much that the plot to this story is dead...like really gone. I have no where else to take it. What began as simple Edward abuse stemmed to something more. I look back on the writing of the previous chapters which were, of course, meant to be awful and I scowl because...it is in fact that awful. Anyway, I think that the way this story is going to continue to run will be an assortment of one shots. Where I left off, it gave the general idea that Edward was turning human. He was. I think that in later one shots a newly human/hybrid Edward will appear, the Authors Olympus will also make more appearances but they will be less important. What I'm saying is that this story will continue as fun one shots because the plot is lost. I have no where else to take it (maybe I mean stranger things have happened. Who knows, maybe I can eventually continue the main story ark)._

_About Kaye, as I've gotten messages about her asking how she got into Twilight, well, I would say to read Harry Potter and the Real Girl (also a dead story at the moment may be rewritten) but where would the fun in that be? So I'll answer here. Kaye was born in the real world, she is a fan of anime and books but not series like Harry Potter and she hasn't even read Twilight...well not really. How she came into the Twilight book world was by freakish chance. Unlike in H.P.A.T.R.G Kaye didn't have The Deathly Hollows in her possession when she found the Galleon that she later made into a charm-which transported her to another world. She had Twilight in her hands when the Galleon transported her. Thats how she ended up in Twilight. Simple as that._

_Kaye isn't a typical Marry Sue or rather she's an anti Marry Sue. She isn't beautiful, she's plain and she's vulgar and mean. Any characters that seem to originally have crushes her or want to be with her slowly get over it because she's mean and too much to deal with-except for Edward who is a masochist plain and simple. If I could describe Kaye as anyone...it would be Eiri Yuki. She's just as much as a bastard as he is, she's in love with a complete monster who betrayed her trust and she just doesn't like anyone. She's also a writer-you see what I did there. I added to her character, writing...because she needed something to do and like that had nothing to do with Hetalia. And she smokes, drinks lots of coffee and beer. She likes strawberry short-cakes also-another Eiri-ism. Huh...I think I might know where I got inspiration for her character. Oh, you guys can spout out love for Eiri Yuki being like the "best guy ever" all you want, you know he was a bastard (but I love that bastard!)_

_Now, lets get to Edward. Hmmm...we all know he's a perverted undead stalker with control issues. We know that he cannot read the atmosphere despite being able to read minds. We know that he's a fantastic cook, loves to clean and just loves to watch people as they sleep. We know this. Of course, this Edward has more personality then his original. Not by much but he's better then the original. This Edstalker's got personality. I think I mentioned it before, Edward is Shuichi to Kaye's Eiri Yuki. Some of you expressed your confusion over this but if you be so kind as to think about previous chapters-specifically when they were still in high school, then you will understand my meaning. Its pretty obvious. (Weird...I think I should put this as a Crossover with Gravitation? Maybe? I dunno.)_

_As for the others? Well, in all actually Bella (with personality) and Mike (isn't stupid) have become favorites...in this. I mean, every time someone writes them in a way that differs from the original author...they seem to be better because SMeyer really didn't try to give them personalities. Mike gets Bella in this story, she doesn't fall for some supernatural being which was pretty awesome to write. I prefer Bella with balls and a strong head on her shoulders anyway. Original Bella can bite it. Well, I've take up too much of your time as it is. Now allow me to upload the next chapter-one shot of Edward Cullen and the Real Girl. All new chapters are going to be tracks. Example, what I'm uploading now will be called Track 1. After that will follow Track 2. I might just make a new story all together after Track 1, I don't know. Also, if you enjoy Track 1 enough then you should probably give your thanks to Novi Zemog who expressed interest in a continuation of Edward abuse hilarity._

_Track 1 will be uploaded in about a day or two since I'll actually have time to fix any mistakes that have been made in them. Also, remember, you have a question for these wacky bunch of characters you can give Kaye's profile a visit at formshipping. You'll find her at:_** http: / www . formspring . me /Kaye 7 Winchester **

_Obviously you should remove the spaces.  
_

_~Muse Chan._

**LoL  
**


	17. Remix!

**Track 1**

_Alternate universe to another alternate universe._

_Muse: This chapter's a bit...jumpy. Fair warning...future updates will actually be hilarious in comparison to this._

* * *

~.~

Despite popular belief, Edward didn't like watching women as they slept. What with their unattractive sleep attire (it should be noted that skimpy sexy sleep attire is unattractive to Edward), their goopy face masks and blemish creams, sometimes rollers in the hair or sometimes barely any hair at all. And the noises some of these women made. Snores and sneezes and gurgling and other things...it was enough to make him sick.

But it killed time. Nights spent watching usually attractive women sleeping meant that Edward would be kept away from Emmet who had the propensity to do...whatever it was Emmet did on nights when Rosalie just wasn't interested. Oh, Edward could always tag along with Jasper, but there was only so much fun in brooding quietly or staring intently at the wall and every so often sighing.

(This is the part where you readers scoff at Edward. I mean, Pot, Kettle, Black am I right?)

And there was no way that Edward would tag along with Carlisle or Esme. It was the same age old teenage tradition of "avoid parents at all costs" because what self respecting teenager wants to hang out with mom and dad? Doesn't matter that Edward is 109 or so-

_Edward: Can we please get on with the narrative. And what do you mean, "Pot, Kettle, Black"? Are you saying that I am a hypocrite?_

(He's getting off topic...)

_...can we please just move along. I think that the readers have all understood that I watch "people" as they sleep as a means to kill the time at night for lack of anything better to do...wait, why was Rosalie only mentioned in passing and Alice not mentioned at all?_

(Huh?)

_It just seems a little unfair to the readers who happen to like Rosalie and Alice. Don't you want to appease them by giving my sisters more mention?_

(Really Edward...really? So you do hang out with them in the night hours sometimes?)

_God no! The last time I was left with Alice and Rosalie I was subjected to hours of gossip, shopping and let us not forget that scintillating conversation about my sexual preferences..._

(Can you blame them?)

_..._

(...Time to continue?)

_I would certainly hope so. I'm feeling peckish, I might just...lash out in my annoyance-_

Certainly Edward understood that it was a bit creepy when one was caught but he had never had to deal with the embarrassment of it before...

...before _her_.

**SWAK!**

"Damn it Edward! Get the hell out of my room!"

Before Katarina Merope Winchester, Edward had never been caught watching anyone as they slept, certainly before Katarina Merope Winchester, Edward had never been greatly insulted and had never been beaten up...by a girl.

Just thinking about it, as archaic as it sounds, being taken down by a girl barely five feet tall-the very thought of it made him squirm. The humiliation!

"Kaye...did you have to hit me so hard?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact. What the hell do you think you were doing? Haven't I told you haven't I demanded hell I think I may have politely asked once-I don't want you watching me sleep. It's creepy!"

"What is the problem with it? It isn't as though I touch you, I just periodically watch."

"Periodically?"

"I usually read."

**SWAK! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!**

_'Where in the cosmos did this girl get a toaster from? Under her pillow?'_ Edward thought as he fell forward and was then kicked off of the bed. The wood floor felt cool beneath his frozen crack cheek, his eyes swam with venom tears.

_'Why in the world, in the universe in the history of creation am I in love with her?'_

Why indeed...why indeed...

**End Epilogue to Edward and the Real Girl REMIX!**

**_Chapter 2 Coming Soon...!_**

* * *

~.~

**A taste of whats to come? Dunno. Just needed to get something out there about the Remix. As you can see, Edward is being beaten again only he's a bit snarky this time around. Which I enjoy writing.**


	18. Track 2

**Track 2**

_A Day with Mike_  
_Where he comes to a startling conclusion..._

* * *

**~.~**

-  
*Five years ago, if anyone would have told me that I would be best friends with Edward Cullen I would have laughed my ass off. Because five years ago I kinda disliked him. Don't get me wrong, he has been and will probably always be a really nice guy its just...there was always something weird about him and his family something untouchable and just a little scary.

And there was the fact that he made girls within a ten mile radius drool waterfalls and writhe in ecstacy upon sighting him. That was really annoying about him really grated on my nerves on any guys nerves and sometimes when he spoke it was like he was from a different time and don't start with the "oh you have no idea" comments because I didn't know then. I do now and to be perfectly honest...it is really unsettling.

Okay thats a damn lie. It was unsettling after about a week and then it became pretty damn awesome once I got to thinking about it (well the good parts about it.) To be perfectly honest, I kinda felt off kilter. I was just so incredibly...normal. Not that I mind it. I mean, being human's the thing I'm best at I like waking up and getting ready for the day without worrying about direct sun light hitting me and setting my skin a glitter like a disco ball or throwing a temper tantrum and turning into a humongous pissed off poodle-we will get to that one in a bit...

Jesus...is that how I really think nowadays? I guess I should start from the beginning and although I know I am not a cast favorite I will try my best at explaining things. It happened a few years (five years to be exact) right before winter vacation...

_"Hey Katarina, sit with me at lunch okay?"_

_"It's _Kaye_, not Katarina _just_ Kaye!"_

_"Okay, _Just Kaye_. Sit with me at lunch. The names Mike by the way, Mike Newton."_

_"...I don't care..."_

_"See you later."_

I was struck dumb by her, this tiny girl with this pissed off pout and fluff brown hair. Attraction at 100 percent and I was so ready to beg her to go out with me that...well I asked her out I was rejected I think. Still not sure because we did go out on two dates. Kinda glad it didn't work out. Met Bella the same day, got over Kaye a few weeks and two awkward dates later and I have not looked back ever since.

Bella...just saying her name makes me all..._erm_ I mean, yeah she's hot!

...Anyway...the day that I met these two special ladies everything changed. I mean literally changed because for some inexplicable reason, after the two awful dates, Kaye kept me around and because she was good friends with Bella I allowed myself to be pulled along. It was nice. A little weird because it went from hanging with the guys to chillin' with the girls but I got used to it and in the end I liked talking to them more then passing a ball around with the basketball team. It would have been nice and normal but winter break came up and Bella left to Florida to visit Renne leaving Kaye and I all on our own so our trio turned into a duo which turned into another trio that left much to be desired.

It might have been the initial meeting between the two, that had brought them together; Kaye the sister I never had and Eddie the strangest best friend a guy could wish for. Sometimes I wonder about it. How in the hell it worked out the way it did and if it hadn't then I wouldn't know Eddie how I do, that my life wouldn't be nearly as chaotic or amusing. That meeting though...it went a little like this:

_"Excuse me, that is my seat." A pleasant voice says from my side, the kind of voice that oozes sex appeal. I automatically think of James Bond for some reason or maybe that one actor from the Goblet of Fire, Robert Paterson or some shit like that._

_"Then sit in the seat next to this one." I remove my bag from the empty chair next to me without looking up. I'm thinking about pancakes now for some reason._

_"But that's my seat." His voice sounds a little more aggressive and there is a collective wave of whispers and awe. This guy must be what one calls the OMGAWSH he's so fecking Hott!111 of any high school. Even in this weird Stepford Wives novel knock off there are still assholes who probably think they're better then everyone when obviously they aren't._

_"Well tough cookies Sally, looks like you're just gonna have to sit right there in that empty seat." I look out the window._

_"The seats are assigned. That is where I was put to sit. If you would be so kind as to move..." This guy's annoying and by the tone of his voice, which almost squeaks, it sounds like no one has ever said no to him. I'm glad. I'll be his first._

_"Look, I'm new. I'm tired and I really don't feel like being here. I sure as hell do not want to have a conversation with some stranger about assigned seats I didn't even know about. Now, if you'd be ever so kind as to shut the hell up and sit your royal ass down, I can continue to ignore everything around me including you."_

_Whispers are becoming louder, someone shrieked I think. I'm not sure but looking at up I can swear that Mr. Banner is trying not to laugh._

_"You're very rude."_

_"And you've annoyed me before being properly introduced." I finally turn to look at him: pale white skin, bronze colored eyes that are really unnatural and thick brown hair with reddish highlights. He had the perfect bone structure and he's crookedly smiling. I think I can hear the collective sighs from all of the girls right now...wait all the girls and three of the boys...He's gorgeous._

_I hate him._

And fate smacked them both in the face, took a seat and had a nice laugh around gulps of pop and mouthful's of popcorn. I don't think anyone really would have pegged that as a meeting between future soul mates and to be honest I don't quite think so either. I figure its the chase Eddie liked first off and Kaye just hated him from the get.

Though...to be honest I'm rootin' for it even if it wont work in the long run. I mean, hello, human and vampire fall madly in love and live happily forever after. No. _Just no_. That sounds like a bad case of Buffy and Angel fanfiction (not that I've read or written any...um...)

After that, things got a little weird. At first I though Edward might have had a thing for Bella, what with all the scowling at her and the holding his nose like she stinks thing but no, somehow he fights it, gets over it and moves onto Kaye because...he miraculously falls head over fangs in love with her.

...yeah...I don't get it either.

So he did what any misguided youth in love for the first does...he stalked her. What? Don't tell me this is weird. Okay, he may have gone about it in a really creepy way alright I'll admit, following her around and watching her sleep wasn't normal but what I meant by normal stalking is going onto their myspace* and watching their comments, checking out pics and dreading the relationship status. Thats normal adolescent stalking.

What Eddie did went above and beyond although, to think about it, worked out for him in the long run. Not that she'll admit it but beating Eddie up with her frying pan for being creepy totally makes her day or rather thats the excuse she uses...I think.

Five years is a long time, a lot of wearing down a lot of growing up and out of the nest. College. It's college time and all I can do is...this. Think. I mean, this is the most hectic time of our lives, the most terrifying period because the most we ever had to worry about before this was grades, exams, dating, prom and graduation.

But this...on top of befriending a girl who fell though dimensions* (yeah I don't know either), giving romantic advise to a romantically inept vampire with boundary issues, moving in with The Girlfriend and dealing with her canine companion the Giant Poodle...I have to deal with moving to Seattle and starting school.

"Uh, you alright bro? Need some help with those boxes?"

Pulled away from his narrative Mike looked up and away from the boxes labeled Bedroom and Bathroom respectively. The owner of the slightly gruff voice seemed to be about his age with corn blue eyes, bright blond hair (with suspiciously brown barely there roots) square glasses and the strangest cowlick he had ever seen.

"Well kinda. No." Mike shook his head, checked his watch and sighed. "Sorry. Just moved in and I'm waiting for the roommates to show up and help me get all our crap upstairs. Apparently they've bailed."

The blonde nodded in understanding. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his bright orange board shorts. "Dude, totally get 'cha. Happened to me when I moved in. Mattie got lost and I ended up having to haul the sofa up six flights of stairs."

"Mattie?"

"My brother," The blond answered peering into the bed of Mike's new truck. He hauled a heavy box out and stared expectantly at Mike with a large grin. "Which floor?"

"You're helping?"

"Yeah man, it's cool." The blond balanced the box in one hand and extended the now free hand towards Mike, who shook it firmly. "The names Alfred."

"Mike Newton" Mike answered. "Sixth floor, room F7."

"F7? Seriously?" Alfred's grinned widened. "That's awesome! I live in F8. We'll be neighbors!" The sound of the American Anthem blared from Alfred's back pocket. His grin falters for a fraction before coming back full blast as soon as he see's who exactly is calling him. "Hey hold up. Got a call."

...something tells me that things are about to get a bit more interesting. I mean, a new normal friend isn't gonna make my life any stranger then it already is.

"Whats up Francis...s'all good, met the new neighbor helpin' him carry some stuff up to his place...I am not seducing him and you can't either...no nuh uh Iggy aint here so none of his burnt food...dude I wouldn't die I'd at least get a stomach ache cuz Heros don't die...I am totally a hero. Wait who's there? Put him on! ...Gilbo dude how's it hangin' you still on for Mortal Kombat tonight, right? Hell yeah it's awesome...yeah bro...see ya tonight."

"Hero?" Mike asked. "Like Superman?"

"Don't I wish!"

"Yeah well-" and thats when I realized that every person in my life for the rest of my life was going to be incredibly...weird.

The box in Mike's hand slipped and fell to the concrete. The cardboard tore spilling the contents and to Mike's horror Bella's favorite perfume bottle fell, thankfully unbroken, began to roll. As he struggled to grasp it before it fell into the gutter to be lost forever Alfred quickly reached forward and grabbed the bottle.

Not weird right? Wrong because the gutter was right beside Mike's truck, so close that if it fell Mike wouldn't be able to reach for it before it fell into the gutter without moving his truck because of the tire. How did Alfred manage to get the bottle?

He had lifted the truck.

"What the hell...?" Mike gaped.

"Uh...oops?" Was all Alfred said in reply.

Mike's palm met his forehead with a loud slap.

"Oh brother...not _another_ one."

It was Alfred's turn to look confused.

* * *

**~.~**

**The first * is to explain the 5 years Mike was talking about. Mike had known of Edward for two years prior to meeting Kaye and Bella-he and Edward were Freshmen when Edward moved to Forks. They meet Kaye and Bella in their eleventh grade year, become friends that year and senior year and the four of them graduate and move in together thereafter marking the time he's known Edward 5 years. He's known Kaye and Bella 3 years.**

**Second * is the Myspace thing. Twilight takes place 2008. Myspace was still pretty popular in 2008. Also a note on the stalking via interwebs? I've known people to do it. As odd as it sounds so I perceive this as something people did but just didn't talk about.**

**Third * is Kaye. This original character is originally from a story (that's on hiatus until further notice) called Harry Potter and the Real Girl. She falls into the HP word by magical dimensional Galleon. Thats also how she made it into Twilight in Edward Cullen and the Real Girl (which is a parody of Harry Potter and the Real Girl which is a lot more serious.)**

**Alfred? Mattie? Francis and Gilbo? To those Hetalia lovers who are reading. Yes. America, Canada, France and Prussia. I'm not planning on making Alfred or any Hetalia character a major hitter on this but who knows. Poor Mike is just a magnet for the weird.**

**And he's starting to notice.**

**Sorry about no Edward beating this time around. Just toying with other characters to get the hang of them better but don't worry the Eddie Beating will come back really soo. And if it makes you guys feel any better, while on their way to the new apartment to meet Mike, Bella got them lost. Edward insulted Bella's driving skills and Kaye beat him...with her copy of Goblet of Fire (oh sweet irony.)**

**Review please!**


	19. Possibility of the story continuation

ECATRG

The Latter Days

AN: ...I don't even know why I'm updating anything here at all. I thought that this was over and done-the random ideas that cropped up for this scenario had seemingly dried up a long time ago. And I would have happily left it as it was. Until I counted up the PM's I received asking about Edward and Kaye. And a majority of them- from Twilight _haters_, shockingly enough- were actually asking whether or not, had the story continued, would Edward have finally won Kaye's heart. Which was weird. Since the story is essentially about kicking Edward's ass via a female character that wasn't totally in love with him upon site. Naturally I was floored. Never in a million years did I think that anyone would have wanted for these two characters to _actually_ end up together-Kaye being the reader self insert that was allowed to beat him into sweet mercy.

Then I went back and reread the story and realized that I'd unintentionally wrote the story in such a way that it would seem like an actual possibility. So in light of this startling revelation and strange turn of events (I don't even like the actual series he's from let alone his actual character in canon) I've decided to update this story-or write a new one titled_** "The Latter Days.**_" If anyone's interested in such a story, where it will still retain all of the violent humor (lets face it that's the best part) but add a _tiny_ bit of a romantic flavor (maybe) just review to let me know and I'll write the chapter up and update the new story.

The only way I can see myself going through with writing Edward getting the girl as even a possibility is by thinking about it this way:_ This_ Edward is _my_ Edward which makes him a** non canon** and a _better_ character with a_ fleshed out personality_-so to speak.

Anyway-like I said. If you are interested in the continuation of Kaye and Edward's story (but with a possibility of Romance) just drop a review and let me know what you think. If not then I just wont write it. For now at least.

-Muse


	20. Those who want to read a continuation

_The Story continues with _

**Edward Cullen and the Real Girl presents:**

**The Latter Days**

****_Check my stories. The first chapter is up. I apologize now for how slow it is._


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